Child Guidance and Training Issues; specifically whining

Introduction

I am a Christian homeschooling mom to six children, ages 2-15. I have experienced many types of discipline encounters and have read scores of books on parenting, and training children. Due to my experience, my reading and the course I’ve just completed in child guidance I believe that I am qualified as a parent to advise families on how best to cope with difficult discipline issues. In this document, I will specifically be addressing the issue of whining, which is a common problem.

I am not a daycare provider or substitute caregiver. I am not qualified to speak from a classroom or daycare situation, so my discussion and proposal will focus on home and family life.

First, I will introduce one specific situation where whining is an issue that needs to be dealt with. Next, I will present my personal views on parent/child relationships, and the ultimate Authority that defines them. Then, I will attempt to align the psychological theories of child guidance today with God’s Word on the matter. Using this information, I will outline a plan for addressing discipline issues, and how these ideas can be used specifically with the issue of whining. Lastly, I will provide practical tips on how these concepts might play out in real-life situations. At the end of this document, readers will find a list of helpful materials to use with this issue.

The Problem Statement

Ethan is an 8 year old boy with three older siblings and two younger siblings. Both of his parents are attending college full time. His family has moved recently due to his father’s career, and is expecting another move soon. Ethan is a bright young man who has a very sweet nature, but lately his parents have noticed that he often whines and complains when asked to do his household chores.

Most of the time, Ethan is very cooperative, and enjoys spending time with friends, playing with his brothers, and participating in Scouting. However, on several occasions, Ethan has resisted requests to help with chores with whining and complaining. A few times, when he has been asked to put away a toy or game that he has been playing with, he has responded with whining as well. We will learn more about Ethan’s situation as we work through our plan of action.

A child who whines or complains when asked to do a task is a common problem. As an informed parent, I intend for this proposal to provide guidance suggestions for parents to use with children who have developed a habit of whining.

Philosophy

My philosophy of child guidance is based on God’s philosophy of child guidance; I believe that training children to obey their earthly authorities is the beginning of training them to obey their Heavenly Father, which is essential to their eternal salvation.

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
(Proverbs 22:6 ESV)

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
(Proverbs 22:15 ESV)

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
(Deuteronomy 6:7 ESV)

Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
(Hebrews 12:9-11 ESV)

These are commands to parents and children, and do not apply in the same way to substitute caregivers, such as daycare providers, and school teachers. This scripture is directed at parents who have been given the ultimate authority and responsibility for training up their children. It is negligent parenting to leave these tasks to anyone else. But, do not be fooled into believing that this is the extent of God’s Word on parenting. It is true that we are called to be diligent in our training, and that we should expect our children to behave with respect and obedience at all times, but God calls us to something greater. Consider these truths:

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalms 127:3-5 ESV)

Children are a gift from the Lord, not a burden or an inconvenience, but a reward, a gift. This gift comes with great responsibility, but the rewards are many.

Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.
(Proverbs 29:17 ESV)

Children who are trained up in the ways of the Lord, are a delight to their parents. What a great reward; something worth working toward. Imagine, if you looked at your children and always saw them as a gift, a reward, a delight.

It may be in his letter to the people of Ephesus, that Paul says it best when he explains the fourth commandment.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:1-4 ESV)

Commit these words to memory, they will come in handy when you are tempted.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
(Ephesians 6:4 ESV)

We, as parents, are commanded to discipline our children, to train our children, to instruct our children, but we are also commanded to NOT provoke them. So, let’s see how God’s Word on parenting fits with the psychological theories of education and parenting today; how we can use one without abandoning the other, and do what’s best for Ethan and his family.

Guidance direction

Marion presents some basic concepts for guiding children. We will implement some of them as we discuss this situation.

(1)    Responsiveness (Marion, 2011, p5) Attending to a child’s needs, answering the child’s questions, and listening when your child speaks are all examples of responsiveness. Ethan may feel that he must whine for his needs to be heard. Paying special attention to the things he says when using a polite voice (non-whining) will go a long way toward meeting this need. This one technique alone may be enough to eliminate the whining habit for some children.

(2)    Warmth (Marion, 2011, p6) This ties in with accepting God’s Word as truth; this child is a gift from God; who only gives good gifts. Does your child know that you see him as a gift? Or do you respond to him as though he is a disturbance or distraction? Does your child know that you really want to meet his needs because you love him dearly?

(3)    Giving explanations (Marion, 2011, p9) Ethan cares very much about his Mom and helping him to understand that whining causes her pain – this could be stress or tension – but, the concept that it is painful for Mom to listen to can help him to see a reason for putting effort into breaking this habit. According to Piaget (Marion 2011, p35), Ethan at age 8 is at the beginning of the Concrete Operations Stage. He is just beginning to learn how to take another’s perspective, something he would not have been able to do a year ago. Because of this new level of ability, I suggest the method of explaining to him that his whining voice is “hurting” Mom, without trying to explain the more abstract concepts of stress and tension.

(4)    Demandingness (Marion 2011, p9) Baumrind introduced the term ‘demandingness’ to refer to the expectations set by parents on their children. How much do you demand (expect) from your children? Are your expectations (demands) high or low?  A child who feels a high level of warmth and responsiveness from you, and knows that you see him as a precious gift from God, will stretch to meet the highest expectations that you can set. He will seek to bring you delight.

TRAIN

This section will give parents a technique for handling a variety of discipline issues that arise in the home, while specifically addressing the bad habit of whining and complaining. We will use the acronym TRAIN, reminding us of Train up a child in the way he should go (Proverbs 22:6a ESV). The TRAIN acronym also tells us what we should do in each step of training our children.

Teach appropriate behaviors through instruction and modeling. (Marion, 2011, p20) Be careful that you do not express a negative attitude of complaining or whining that your child is imitating. Use instruction and practice (Marion, 2011, p20) and teach your child an appropriate way to use his vocabulary and his voice. Then, help him practice it.

Here is an example:

If Ethan was complaining about his math assignment, Mom can stop him mid-sentence and say, “Math is hard, I know. But, I need you to tell me about it in a voice that sounds more like mine. Try it.”

This example combines modeling, instruction and practice.

If the whining continues, then repeat,

“Ethan, I understand that you are upset about this, but I need you to tell me about it in a voice that I can listen to. Try it now.”

Remember to continue letting your child know that you are interested in what he has to say and that you genuinely are concerned about his problem, but that you are only able to do so when he uses a polite voice.

As he practices this new skill, provide conditional feedback (Marion, 2011, p21)

Example:

When Ethan uses a polite voice to express himself, say, “Thank you for speaking so politely”

Respect the child for who he is and reach out to the child and focus on growing your relationship with them so that they will respect you enough to want to imitate the behaviors that you are modeling. Part of respecting the child’s distinct personality includes understanding his stage in development. Erickson (Marion 2011, p42) suggests that this age range of 6-12 years old, where Ethan is right in the middle is the stage where he is developing his sense of industry versus inferiority. Because of this, and because of the observations that I have done with Ethan, I believe this concept is a primary component of Ethan’s whining issue. He primarily whines when asked to complete a task, such as a household chore, or a homework assignment. It is possible, and even likely that he is struggling with feelings of inferiority because he is not able to complete the tasks with the same proficiency as his older siblings. It will be vital to address this issue now so that he can instead develop a feeling of industriousness. Children’s books that directly address this issue are listed in the resources section at the end of this paper.

Ask the child to talk with you about the issue that is causing the whining, and ask for them to use a voice that is pleasant for both of you. Expect them to be able to come up with some good suggestions. Carl Rogers theorized that children develop the ability to be independent thinkers who can solve problems on their own, and have the capacity to understand and control their own behaviors. (Marion 2011 p44)

·         When you ask, you must be prepared to “Listen Actively” (Marion,2011 p 135) You need to learn what your child is thinking and feeling about the issue, so that you can get to the underlying cause of the problem. Whining is annoying, but it is not the root problem; something is distressing this child and causing them to respond in an unpleasant way.

·         Ask open ended questions, and expect detailed answers. A whining child has no qualms about telling you all that he thinks is unjust. Remember to have him tell you these things in a polite voice, but do listen and try to understand what is causing the upset.

Ask questions that will help him to analyze the situation, such as:

·         What happened? What was he being asked to do? Was it a specific enough request, or was it a vague ‘clean your room’ that can be frustrating and overwhelming for a child who looks into a messy room and doesn’t know where to begin.

·         Who was involved? Is he being asked to work with someone who is critical of his efforts? With Ethan, I observed that he whines when playing video games with his older brother who is critical of his ability in the games.

·         When did it happen? Was he asked to leave an activity he enjoys to take care of a chore? This could be a source of frustration.

·         Where did it happen? Is the problem generally at home or out in public or at someone else’s house? Ethan’s whining is primarily a problem at home. Rarely does he whine or complain anywhere else.

·         Why did it happen? This and the other questions are ones that you can ask your child, but also ask yourself. Can you think of something about the situation, or about the request that would cause distress for him and lead to a whining behavior?

Encourage your child and force yourself to give answers in facts only. It is easy to focus on how we feel when we are emotional, but you and your child both need to look at the facts of the situation so that you can solve it, and practicing this skill will help both of you to solve conflicts in the future.

Investigate to see if there is a legitimate cause for him to be upset. It’s time to answer some more questions based on your observations of the situation.

·         Is there a reason that the request is upsetting him? In Ethan’s case, I found that he whined most often when being asked to complete a task that he felt ill-equipped for. This was difficult for his parents to understand because he has had the same chores for over a year, and he has shown that he can complete them with proficiency. There is not a logical reason for him to feel that the task is too difficult for him, but this IS how he feels.

·         What is it about the task that causes him to object?

·         Is there something besides the task itself that is bothering him? Stress, according to Marion, (p224) affects children in different ways. Some children respond with physical symptoms; while others exhibit behavioral or psychological symptoms. There are several factors in Ethan’s life recently that would contribute to his stress level. He lived in the same home since birth until two years ago, and has moved twice since. His family is currently anticipating another move, and is waiting for the papers to tell them where and when they will be going. Ethan is completely aware of and understands this. Since the whining seems to have begun, as best as his parents can remember, right about the time of the move; it is reasonable to connect the stress of his father’s career moves to the whining habit.

·          Is he whining for attention? This is often the case with children, however because Ethan’s mom is home all day, and mostly available to him, he does have ample opportunity to talk with her and spend time with her. Mom is taking some online classes, and does some freelance work from home, but she spends a large part of the day reading to and teaching her children, so getting attention does not fit as a cause of Ethan’s whining.

·         How have the adults/older siblings in his life been responding to this behavior? Bronfenbrenner explained how children exist in and are influenced by layers of social environments. (Marion,2011, p29) Each environment impacts the childs development in some way, even if indirectly. Ethan’s primary environment, which Bronfenbrenner calls the microsystem (Marion 2011 p30) is his home and family, where he spends the majority of his time. Children who attend school or daycare would include those environments in their microsystem – the environment with the most influence over the child. Extended family, even though they don’t live with the child, have a direct effect.

Example: If Ethan had found that whining and complaining was an effective method of communication at daycare, school or Gramma’s house, he would not have the logical capacity to understand that it doesn’t work well in all circumstances. Training is something that we do even when we aren’t paying attention; children are learning from us all the time, according to Social Learning Theory (Marion, 2011 p49) It is possible to develop negative or undesirable behaviors when we are not deliberate in our methods and intentional in our purpose for training. Whining is a learned behavior.

If this is the case, then the parents would need to work with those substitute caregivers to alter this pattern and help the child to change their habit. Our investigation found that this was not the case in Ethan’s situation.

·         Is he feeding off of the reactions of others? For example, is he enjoying the extra attention he gets when he whines? Because Ethan’s mom is very responsive, she does respond when he whines, although the whining causes her to be tense when she talks with him.

·         What tactics have already been tried and how successful have those been? Ethan’s parents have attempted several tactics to get him to stop whining, but none of them with any consistency. But, they are prepared to work out a plan and put it into action. They will be using the Practical Suggestions presented in the next section.

Neutralize the situation. When this behavior occurs, you as the adult have to keep the situation neutral. Do not allow the child to use this behavior to manipulate your responses and reactions. If there is a legitimate need, then meet that need without responding or reacting to the whining.

One concept from Rogerian theory is that of “problem ownership” (Marion 2011, p45) If you as the adult allow the whining to stress you out and you react to your child from that perspective, then you are the one with the problem – your child has annoyed you.

If you remain calm and neutral and expect your child to behave in an appropriate manner and use a polite voice and help guide him to understand what the problem is that is causing him to whine, then he has a problem and you have helped him to learn to take responsibility for it. This is the first step in solving it.

The end goal with this guidance proposal is for the child to learn “Self-Control” That is the “…ability to put off gratification until later, to put up with some frustration, and to keep impulses under control.” (Marion, 2011, p.171)

Keeping the conversation neutral so that the child can discuss their feelings and perceptions without emotional tension getting in the way, will help them to discover the underlying problem that upsets them and causes them to whine, and help them to learn to recognize that upset or frustrated feeling and then to control their response to it. This is what we want all mature adults to be able to do for themselves. This technique gives children a foundation on which develop that ability.

Practical Suggestions

Here are some suggestions for specific tactics that could be tried with a child who whines.

1)      Ignoring with warning: This tactic is useful if the cause of the whining has to do with a need for attention or an attempt at manipulation. Example: Mom says no to Ethan’s request for candy in the checkout lane. Ethan begins to whine. Mom says in a neutral voice, “I will not listen to whining.” Then, Mom must not respond to Ethan again, but be paying close attention so that as soon as Ethan’s voice changes back to normal, Mom can respond positively, saying something like, “Thank you for using such a nice voice. I enjoy listening to that voice.”  This tactic relates closely to the theory of natural consequences, as the child needs to learn that whining is not a method that produces results in the world; not with Mom and Dad, or with anyone else.

2)      Another tactic based on the idea of natural consequences is a “Separation”. This is similar to ignoring but enforces the concept in a different way. If ignoring has been ineffective, you may want to try this tactic. Example: Ethan begins to whine during a game with Mom. Mom says, “Ethan, that sound hurts my ears. If it continues, one of us will have to leave the room.”

With this statement, you leave the door open for the child to make a decision. He can choose to use a different voice, he can leave the room until he is able to find his nice voice, or he can continue to use that voice, and Mom will leave the room. “Give choices whenever possible,” (Marion 2011, 121) Whining really is a choice that your child makes.  Ethan continued to whine, Mom said, “Ethan, since you are still making that sound and it is hurting my ears, one of us needs to leave the room. Would you like to go somewhere else until you are done? Or should we put this game away and I will leave? It’s up to you.” Remember that this is done in a neutral tone, no one is angry. But, Ethan needs to understand that the sound he makes with his voice hurts his mothers ears, and if he is hurting someone, then they will not want to continue to play with him.

This is a long term lesson as well as a short term lesson as Ethan is learning that whining is unpleasant to others, and that when you behave in a way that is uncomfortable for others, they do not want to be around you. Ideally, this social skill will extend beyond his home life and into other social situations where he will have learned to speak in a polite and pleasant tone that will make him a joy to be with, and a delight to his mother.

3)      “Give signals or cues for appropriate behavior,” (Marion 2011 p.127) When you have thoroughly explained to your child why the whining is unpleasant, you’ve modeled and taught him to use a polite voice, you’ve had him practice his polite voice, and you’ve explained that if he uses a whining voice you simply cannot listen to it… When you have done all this, and then you are in a situation such as a restaurant where it isn’t really safe to leave your child while he whines, or for him to leave you. Then, you can have an established signal that will help him remember the appropriate behavior.

Example: Ethan started whining at the grocery store, and Mom still needed a few things. She was willing to leave the store and take Ethan home if necessary, but hoped to finish her shopping. She put her hands over her ears and said, “Oh, that hurts” This cue reminded Ethan that his whining voice is hurtful to his mom and cued him to change to a different tone.

Ethan’s mom will begin using the practical tactic of ignoring with a choice (suggestion #2) immediately for the short term goal of curbing the whining habit.

Since Ethan’s whining stems from stressors in his life, and his parents are unable to change those elements, they will be using the TRAIN method to help Ethan talk through the issues that are bothering him. They will also need to be very specific in the way they ask him to complete his chores, and give him conditional feedback when he completes these tasks to the best of his ability. They will attempt to give him opportunities to excel in things that he is good at to help him with his feelings of inferiority. They will also purchase books at his reading level that reinforce the behaviors and attitudes that they desire. These techniques, used over time, will help Ethan grow into the young man that God intended him to be.

Suggested Resources

Book: The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble with Chores, this book illuminates the importance of families working together and everyone doing their share.  © 2005 Stan and Jan Berenstain

Book: My Favorite Book; a book about doing your best and being your best! By John Sydney Tighe © 2004 This children’s book encourages discussion about ways we work together and help one another.

Book: Let’s Talk About Whining by Joy Berry ©1982 This children’s book is written directly to the whining child, and is a very useful tool in helping them to understand how whining effects others, and why people respond negatively to whining. Most importantly, this book provides your child with tools to use to help them figure out why they whine and what they can do to control it.

Reflection

Researching and developing this proposal helped me to apply the ideas in the text to a real – life situation. This allowed me to see the theories in the book as applicable to real situations as opposed to just hypothetical pie-in-the-sky idealism. My attitude at the beginning of this course was that it would be filled with ‘in a perfect world’ scenarios and would not consider that many of these idealistic concepts do not work in the real world with real problems.

But, through this assignment, I was able to draw connections between the psychological theories and the ultimate Authority on parenting.

I see now that understanding the developmental stages and limited abilities of children at different ages can help parents to guide their children to appropriate behaviors using methods that make sense to the child.

I began the proposal with an introduction, because I believe that my experience and demographics influence my ideas and how I believe children should be approached. Next, I explained the situation that we would be addressing in the proposal to give the reader a basis of understanding that while I provide techniques that can be applied in many situations, whining was the topic of discussion for this paper.

Once the situation was clear, I explained my beliefs about parent/child relationships and the Authority by which these beliefs come about. Next, I attempted to connect these truths of God’s Word with the psychological theories that are prevalent in the world of education today. It was my intention to show that these theories could be put to use without abandoning the authority that God has given to parents. This section is really a bridge between my beliefs about parenting and the techniques suggested for solving the whining issue.

The Guidance section is next, providing the acronym of TRAIN which helps to remind us that we are training children in the way that they should go through these methods.  The TEACH, RESPECT, ASK, INVESTIGATE, NEUTRALIZE pattern can be used with almost any guidance issue, but is applied specifically to whining and more specifically to one case.

Suggestions to reinforce good habits both immediately and in the long term are provided, and some practical tactics with real life examples are included as well.

Finally, I provide the reader with a list of suggested resources to help with this particular guidance issue. I chose to include only books written for the child, because the goal is for the child to understand that whining is an inappropriate response, and that it is his responsibility to work towards developing good habits.

Works Cited

Holy Bible, ESV

Marion, Marian, Guidance of Young Children, 8^th edition, 2011 New Jersey