What a Pastor's Wife Really Does

There are plenty of books on the market that claim to tell women how to be a great pastor's wife; how not to be a stressed out pastor's wife; how to love your position as a pastor's wife; how to survive living in the fishbowl atmosphere of life as a pastor's wife...

These books are usually filled with stories, and the stories you don't read about in books can be heard through the grapevine.

Have you heard the one about the couple who were having marital relations in the bedroom of the parsonage when a trustee walked in? They started the search for a house to buy that very day.

Have you heard the one about the female parishioner who fell passionately in love with her already married pastor? She has been referred to a professional for psychiatric care.

Have you heard the one about the pastor's family who arrived with their moving truck to find the parsonage already occupied? They camped out in the Sunday School class rooms while the squatters were evicted.

Every wife has a story.

As my husband nears graduation day and the prospect of his first call, I wonder how I would respond to some of these situations. But, my experience as the wife of a Seminarian; the wife of a field worker; and the wife of a vicar, has shown me that the blessings of this life far outweigh the possible awkward situations.

The blessings are tremendous  - from hundreds of Christmas cards to free farm fresh produce to a mailbox full of anniversary and birthday cards to passed down clothing for the kids and free food... did I mention that pastor's families seem to get a lot of free food?

Have you heard the one about the congregation that paid off their pastor's student loan debt?

Have you heard the one about the congregation that bought their pastor a new car?

The blessings are so many that I have decided that next year when I am a pastor's wife, I will have to spend all of my time doing what all pastor's wives must spend their days busily doing... writing Thank You notes.

Love Abounds and Abounds and Abounds

During our Seminary journey, we have been blessed in many ways. Some of them have been surprising, and others down right shocking. The lengths to which humans will go to show their love to one another often amazes and humbles me.
Gift giving is NOT my love language; in fact it is probably lowest on my list. Gift giving is always uncomfortable for me. I always feel like I'm not appreciative enough when I receive gifts and I always feel like I haven't done enough when I give a gift. It is always awkward and so I avoid it whenever possible. Christmas stresses me out, especially because my husband's love language IS gift giving and so he spends months shopping and researching and planning to get just the right gift for everyone. It makes me crazy!

But, sometimes, someone gives so deeply of themselves that is more than a gift... it is literally a piece of their soul laid before me and I am in awe of the glimpse of God's love that I see through human generosity. This is one of those times.
The family of believers from Faith Lutheran Church in Mesick, MI, a small church - 23 members - 'adopted' our family. This means that they have made a commitment to support our family, through prayer and financially during this time at Seminary. They do not know us, and we have no other connection to the people there, except that we happen to also be from Michigan.

They decided to send their Pastor and his family to visit us and give us gifts for Christmas. It was a nice surprise and we were very grateful, but this in no way was 'shocking'

They couldn't stay long and so left the presents with us. We didn't open them until later in the evening. We received clothing and toys and very nice gifts. But, in this, we were given something very special as well.

This airplane was made by a couple at Faith, from a tree in their yard, by hand, and Noah's name is burned into the side. It is a replica of a WWII fighter plane. Jacob received one as well, with his name on it.

I don't know how to make much of anything, so I can't really appreciate the amount of work that goes into a project like this, but I do know that it isn't something that you just throw together. It takes time and patience and dedication. It isn't something that you just do, it is an act of love.

An act that SO humbles me...

As I watch the boys play with their planes and fly them around the house, I am in awe. There are no words to truly express what an incredible gift this is. I thank God for the family at Faith, Mesick.

Parks are for kids... aren't they?

I used to think that a swing set was a sign of a friendly place for kids... but, apparently, I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Awhile back, just as the weather was getting really nice here in Michigan and we were having some balmy spring days, I decided to walk the kids to the park. It's about 6 blocks from our house. I pulled the littles in the wagon and the bigger boys rode their bikes. It wasn't the nicest park, but it was alright. It had a slide and swings and monkey bars; a good spot for boys to run off some energy. There was no one else there, except for a police car parked in the road. I didn't pay much attention, but enjoyed being outdoors while the boys ran and played. When they were hot and thirsty, we headed home.

Later that week, I mentioned that we had walked up to the park.

"What park are you talking about?" the local ladies said.
"Oh, you turn left out of our drive and then a left at the corner and you go straight about five more blocks..." I explained.
"Oh, you can't go there," one lady said and others shook their heads. "People get shot there."
WHAT!?

Now, I believed them and haven't been to that park since. The ladies also explained that the police officer was probably wondering what in the world I was doing there.
Last week, two people were shot in that area - not in the park, but nearby - in two separate and supposedly unrelated incidents. In one case, the shooter was found right away and it is believed that he had a "grudge" against the victim. In the other, the shooter is still at large and his motives are unknown.

This stuff freaks me out. I told my husband that I want to go live on a farm in the U.P. He says that people get shot there too. But, I can understand that kind of shooting. It happens accidentally when someone mistakes you for food. I know how to be safe in that environment - it's called shockingly bright orange clothing. Also, you don't go in the woods during hunting season and never let your children wear those little antlers that Walmart sells at Christmas time. I understand how to be safe in that world.

But, this other kind of shooting - the I just don't like you and think you should die kind - I don't get it. I hope I never get it. I pray that it never makes sense to me. I don't know how to protect myself in that world, and I wouldn't know how to teach my kids to be safe there.

As our vicarage comes to an end and we start to think about filling out paperwork for a call - we talk a lot about where we might want to live.  I don't want to live in a place where I have to wonder if the local parks are for kids or if they belong to a gang or a drug dealer. How do you put that into those questionnaires?

Family Communication & Stress

This post is for my Family Communication course: Unit Five. But, Seminary wives may find some comfort here.

Choose a minor or major stressor that your family has experienced and you are comfortable talking about.

Analyze the individual, generational, and historical time of the affected members that are relevant to the stressor. 

In this family, the father's decision to attend Seminary has been a major stressor. It is an off-time event in that he was in his late 30's; leaving his career after 15 years; and returning to school to pursue a 4-year academic program; and his family was going along for the ride. As we are approaching the end of the 3rd year of this journey, we can look back and see some of the effects these changes have had for this family.

Each family member has been effected in their own way and has dealt with the stress in their own way. 

The oldest child was 13 years old at the start of this journey, a time of change for girls when making new friends is awkward; her father will receive a call to a congregation just months before her 18th birthday, and she has no idea where she will be living or how far she will be from her friends and family when she graduates high school that following spring. 

The second oldest was 11 years old at the start of this journey, and while her age made it easier for her to make friends at first; each additional move became more of a heart break as these new friends were left behind again. She has had to navigate the tumultuous preteen years with few close friends to confide in. This has been a challenge for her, but has also served to bring her and her older sister closer.

The third child, the oldest son, was 8 years old at the start of this journey. He has been actively involved in Boy Scouts, and the search for a new troop every year and the journey to try and become part of the group has been especially challenging for this child you is adamantly opposed to any type of change.

The fourth born child, the second son, was 6 years old when this journey started. He is the most laid back of the oldest four children and on the surface appears to have handled the moves the easiest; however, he is also the fastest to break under any kind of pressure and is especially sensitive to the stress of those around him.

The fifth born sibling, the third son, turned 3 years old one month after the first move. He doesn't remember the home he was born in, and he seems to adjust quickly to each new home. However, as we approach this next move and have begun to talk about where we will live next year (as yet unknown) and have started to pack away some things in preparation, the process disturbs him. He likes it here and this next move will probably be the hardest for him.

The sixth born, the fourth boy was just 6 months old at the first move. He will celebrate his 6th birthday before he will live in one house for more than a year. The results of this stressor on him are hard to tell; perhaps by the time we are settled into a place, he won't even remember all the moving.

Father has just turned 40 and knows that his decision is off-time, many of his classmates are nearly 20 years younger than him. He isn't the only 2nd career guy at the Sem., and he does have excellent support from other students, faculty and church family.

Was this a vertical or horizontal stressor? Explain.

The moves themselves are horizontal stressors; but there are certainly vertical stressors that contribute to each person response. The vertical stressors include the expectation that everyone is on board. We are a family in ministry; while only Father will become an ordained and called servant of God in the role of Pastor - we all are part of that calling. Our actions and behaviors influence and effect each other as well as those in the congregation that we serve. 

The horizontal stress includes the actual physical act of moving every year. It is exhausting; emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

Did you/your family experience any/all of the stages of family crises (page 284-287)? Explain.

Each move is a new crisis, and yes, we all experienced the stages of family crisis with each move. 

Shock/denial: This was primarily experienced at the beginning of our journey. Now, with each move as Mother suggests that perhaps we should start to pack a few things in preparation for the move, resounding voices shout, "Already?!" Each year, does seem to speed by. Everyone knows that the move is coming, they can see its distance on the calendar, but it seems to come upon us so quickly that the first response is always shock that it has come.

Recoil resulting in anger, confusion, blaming, guilt, and bargaining. There comes a time in each move; for some of the family members it is in the packing process, for others it is in the unpacking process; but, it always comes. The times when the children declare that they will hide in their rooms for the whole year and they will refuse to even talk to anyone because making friends is just not worth it. Or, the times when they are certain that the next year is going to be the worst thing that ever happened to them. The second born often insists that she wants to "go home" meaning back to the house we left in the first move. The oldest tries to figure out who she can live with so that we will let her stay behind. The younger children refuse to pack their toys.

Depression. This is almost always after the move, although there are signs of it in the packing process. It is most severe when the business of moving has completed; when most of the things are unpacked and we realize that we don't know anyone, we don't know how to get anywhere, our calendar is empty and we don't have anything to put on it. Again, we are certain that we will never make any friends in this new place, and we should just hide in our rooms and cry.

Reorganization resulting in acceptance and recovery. This time always comes too. It is when we get tired of feeling sorry for ourselves and we make an effort to get involved in things outside our home. We join a homeschooling co-op, we make play dates, we join Scouts, we audition for a part in the local community theater. We open ourselves up to friendship. This time is bittersweet, because just when we have discovered all that there is to love about a place that we would like to call home, the knowledge that another move is imminently approaching knocks us over like a tidal wave.

FAITH & HOPE: This isn't a stage in the textbook, but in our lives and the lives of those who surround us, there is always faith & hope. We always know that it is God who directs our lives; whatever age or stage that we are in. We believe that God has called this man to service and through that, He has called us to stand alongside him. So, we do. That doesn't mean that we don't still go through these stages. It doesn't mean that don't struggle; we do. We are all sinful, and selfish and we all want what we want. But, we never stop believing that God is in charge, that He has our best interests at heart, that He led us to this place and He will guide us through the rest of the journey. A crisis of any kind is only unbearable when you don't have Faith and Hope.

Which, if any, of the coping strategies did you and/or your family use (page 302)? Explain. 

The coping strategies listed in the textbook all include changing something. For us, the crisis is in the change. For our family to cope, we keep as many things the same as possible. Our school books are the last thing that we pack and they are the first to be unpacked. We follow our daily routine as much as possible; household chores stay basically the same even though it's a new house; there are still bathrooms to clean, dishes to wash, trash to take out. We try to maintain every aspect of our family life as we possibly can, changing only the things that have to be changed.

I laughed at a telemarketer, but I couldn't help it.

I'm not rude to people, I'm really generally not. I'm polite to everyone; other drivers, grocery store clerks, people on the street, even telemarketers. But, today, I just couldn't help myself.

The phone has been ringing non-stop for about a week. The vicarage number is the emergency contact for the congregation; you know, like if someone suddenly goes to the hospital and needs their Pastor - they call us. Because of this, we pretty much always answer the phone.

So, all this week, I've been getting calls from political surveys and what not. Well, as I sat visiting with my mom this afternoon, I answered a call for "Mrs. Lewis"
"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."
"Oh, well, perhaps you would like to give us your opinion..."
"No, I don't want to, but thank you for calling."

The phone continued to ring, almost non-stop for the rest of the evening. I ignored it and no one ever left a message. If it was an emergency, they would leave a message, right? So, I ignored it. That's really hard to do.

After my mom left, I finally answered it. I thought she might be calling to say she'd forgotten something, but I should have known, it was for "Mrs. Lewis" (my last name isn't Lewis, by the way)
"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."
"Oh, well, could I take just a moment of your time?"
"Ok, sure"
I don't remember exactly what she said, but it went something like this:
- Our country needs strong, independent, liberal, democratic women in political office. Some insult about Rush Limbaugh. Now, ma'am, in your area, people have been giving donations of around $150, can we count on you for that amount?
I started laughing. I couldn't help it. Then, I said something like - "I believe the opposite of everything you just said. Please, take me off your calling list."

The phone hasn't rang since.

I'm sure it will start up again tomorrow.

Family Rituals

This week in chapter 5, we are learning about “relational maintenance strategies” (111). Basically, these are the things we do to maintain our relationships with others. It involves taking “time to think about each others’ lives” and making a conscious effort to strengthen bonds with another. (111)

One strategy is the use of rituals. These are usually “conscious repetition of actions and words” that create meaning. (113)

A ritual in our family is the evening bedtime story. We do this regularly and consciously in an effort to share a book together. We’ve gone from Goodnight Moon to Green Eggs and Ham to Chronicles of Narnia, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and now we are reading Robinson Crusoe. Over the years, as the children have grown, the oldest children don’t join us as often, but sometimes if they hear that we are at one of their favorite parts they will peer in and listen. The littlest children still sit on my lap and snuggle until they fall asleep. 

Some nights we miss this due to schedule conflicts or illness or other interruptions. I can always tell when we have missed our story time because no one sleeps as well. This ritual allows us to have a time in the evening where we share a tale of adventure and intrigue that we talk about during other times. This story in common provides a reference for other conversations. I saw this particularly played out when my three oldest children all read Harry Potter at the same time, but I did not read it. They would often have intimate conversations about the story that they had read that didn’t include anyone else. Sometimes, we meet new friends who have read some of our favorite stories and they can share in the secret conversations too.

Another conscious activity that our family participates in is attending regular worship services and fellowship with other Christian believers. I would not have thought of this as a ritual, but it is mentioned as a “spiritual” ritual that meets “religious needs”. This includes “praying or attending spiritual worship together, saying grace before meals,” etc. (115) Gathering together with our immediate family (our household) and our church family on a regular basis serves as what is called “relational currency” of “time together”. Our times of fellowship often also include other relational currencies such as “gifts” of “food” as we share in homemade desserts and coffee at Bible study on Tuesdays and Thursdays or evening meals prior to worship service on Wednesdays during Advent and Lent. We also share in the gift of Christ’s body and blood when we commune together and receive the Holy Eucharist. The gifts, foods and the time together all serve to develop and strengthen the bonds in our relationships with each other.

Through the exercise of completing this assignment, I was blessed to be reminded of all that others do for me and how much I enjoy the fellowship of other believers, whether it be with my own children at the dinner table or with all the congregation at the altar.

REFLECTION QUESTION:
Some of the rituals that I read and found interesting are as follows:
**Heather F. shared a ritual in her family that involves birthday dinners. There are eight of us in our immediate family, so we would have to go to a restaurant or buy special food nearly every month to do something like this. Instead, we hold big, elaborate parties at milestone birthdays. For adults, it's usually 30,40,50, etc. For our kids, it's 5, 10 and 15. But, I can see how a special meal out might be beneficial to a family that isn't always together; giving them a chance to share their life experiences and get to know each other better.
**The Smiths always sit in the same chair at the table. We do this too. It started because we have a small dining area and the seating had to be arranged in such a way that we could all fit around the table, so these became assigned seats. In our family, as with the Smiths, we sit in our assigned seats even when some of the family is not there. This consistent pattern is comforting.
**I think one I pondered for awhile was Olivia's. She describes her family's routine assignment of chores. Of course, we have chores here too. What I thought about the most is how daily chores, like washing the dishes and laundry or sweeping the floor and taking out the trash are little services that often get taken for granted. It is easy to fall into a routine where everyone just does their chore and no one really thinks about how others are serving them through these simple chores. My "love language" or "relational currency" is time and when the chores are done and I can relax and spend time just hanging out with the kids, it is very meaningful to me. When someone's chores do not get done and I end up having to clean up something I think someone else should have done, it takes away from that time together and I take it very personally. Olivia's sharing of her family's chore assignments reminded me to try and appreciate when everyone does their chores because that in itself is an act of service.

My Family: Cohesive & Flexible

For this post, I have to plot my family somewhere on a Cohesion and Flexibility quadrant. That would be easier if the textbook hadn't already pointed out that healthy families fall somewhere in the middle...SOOOO, do I tell the truth or do I make us appear "healthy".
Eh, I'm a risk taker, so here goes the truth.

First, cohesion consists of four choices (it's a quadrant, remember?)
Disengaged: "Family members maintain extreme separateness and independence, experiencing little belonging or loyalty." (31) Um, nope. I've got six kids at home, two of them still climb into my bed - we are not disengaged.
Connected: "Family members experience emotional independence as well as some sense of involvement and belonging." (31) Emotional independence? Sure. Well, except for the fact that my toddler won't play with other children if I try to leave the room and my teenager takes EVERYTHING I say as a personal affront. I guess that kind of makes them emotionally dependent. Let's see what's behind door number 3.
Cohesive: "Family members strive for emotional closeness, loyalty, and togetherness with emphasis on some individuality." (31) Can't you just tell this is the "healthy" choice? I want to choose this one, I really do...
Enmeshed: "Family members experience extreme closeness, loyalty, dependence and almost no individuality." (Olson, DeFrain, & Skogard, 2008)

I'm going to choose cohesive because I want to, but I have to admit we're bordering enmeshed.
1. My husband is training to be a pastor. This fact provides our family with an identity that is different from most of the people we will meet.
2. We homeschool. This fact separates us from major parts of society; I don't meet their classmates parents, or make friends at the high school football game. In some ways that separation is a blessing.
These things push us toward each other in times of emotional need, because it is the people in this family who understand what it's like to live in this family.

I lean back towards cohesive though because even with all that we share, everyone has their own interests. Mom is taking college classes, S. is writing a book, C. is studying music, T. is conducting science experiments and so on. They all support each other's interests without feeling a need to pursue someone else's passion.

To complete the quadrant, I had to next plot my family on a Flexibility line, again with four choices.
Rigid: "Family members experience very low levels of change, as well as authoritarian leadership and strict roles and rules." (32) Absolutely! This fits us quite accurately. Mom's rules are absolutes, and no one is confused about their role in this family. Yes, I've read all the studies about how authoritarian parenting is bad... blah, blah, blah. This is my choice and I'm sticking to it.... except that part about change. I'd be lying if I said that our family has experienced low levels of change.
Structured: "Family members experience more moderate levels of change as well as limited shared decision making and leadership and relatively stable roles and rules." (32) You know this is the "healthy" one, right? And, it's the one I would like to choose. We did let the kids decide how to spend the extra babysitting money we made last year, but moderate still doesn't describe the change that we've experienced.
Flexible: "Family members experience high levels of change, shared decision making, and shifting rules and roles." (32) High change, some shared decisions, Yes! That's us! I don't really know what shifting rules and roles means though.
Chaotic: "Family members experience very high levels of change as well as nonexistent leadership, confused and variable rules and roles." (Olson, DeFrain, & Skogard, 2008) Well, very high change, yes, but no to the rest of the definition.

This is much to difficult to plot, as I would say that we are like a ping pong ball being volleyed between rigidity and chaos. We've moved every summer for the past three years and we will continue to move every summer for two more years. Our youngest child will celebrate his sixth birthday before we can say that he has lived in any one place for more than a year at a time.
This pattern feeds itself into chaos, but the leadership in our family is rigid - the rules and roles are unchanging. In fact, we thrive on the stability that homeschooling provides because our school materials are the last thing to pack and the first to be unpacked. Even if the rest of our lives have been thrown around in the back of a moving truck and resides in piles of boxes; even if the world outside our door is frightening and unknown; when we sit down to begin our day, everything is just as it has always been.

I'd be done there, but I have to answer one more question; how does communication fit into all of this? We were open and honest about the life we were entering into. We prayed about the decision and discussed it with our children. I've continued to pray with them and for them as we go through this journey. They never had a choice in the matter, but we did expect them to trust God and to trust their parents to look out for their best interests and to take care of them. We've encouraged our children to recognize what is coming in their future, understand that there are some things they can not change and to make the best of whatever situation God calls them into.


UPDATE: 02/02/2012 Next step, answer this reflection question:
Look at your class mate's webpages and find a family who functions in a different quadrant from yours. Would this work for your family? Why or why not? (You are not judging your class mate's responses, rather you are looking at how they function, comparing it to how you function and then analyzing whether or not this would work for your family.)

I chose Tom's family. He describes a family that is connected and flexible. The children are older (college age and high school) than mine and they are more independent. This would not work for our family right now because the changes that we are going through are emotionally difficult for everyone and having a rock solid foundation here at home helps everyone get through it. In two years, we will be settled into a home that we can call permanent, Dad will have a job and a regular paycheck (as opposed to student loans), the oldest child will be in her senior year of high school and the younger children will be growing more independent. I can see our family heading for a time when we can be connected, but less dependent on each other... we're just not there yet.

Purging to make room for new life

It's that time of year again... when I start to think about moving. It's November, and we won't move until July, but I wonder how many other wives have allowed the glimmer of thought on this matter to permeate their mind.

You see, we are on vicarage, but I don't feel like we've really left the Seminary. I drove down for the wives retreat last month, I still chat with the same friends on Facebook, and I still get notifications from the SWA page and I still get all the issues of the student newsletter. I'm still taking classes at IPFW, albeit online only... but, so many things are still the same.

If you are a first year wife, unless you happened to rent from a family on vicarage and have to move at the end of this year, you are probably not thinking about moving just yet. In fact, you are probably just starting to feel settled in. For me, it's just about the time that settled in feeling comes along, that the thoughts of moving start to enter my mind.

I look around the house and it's ALL unpacked. Everything we own, out there for me to see. It makes me start to think about all the work of packing and moving it. Then, I think, it's such a big job... I better get started right away. I also start to dread Christmas, and the five birthdays that will happen in our house between now and the move. I just don't know how we could possibly find room for any more stuff.

Then, I think about how we have to do it all again, the year after next. I know that we could be happy with much less stuff. I clean out rooms, I sort through boxes, I organize shelves. Things get messy. But, as the weather gets colder and I spend more time indoors, the house becomes my haven and the process of organizing becomes my mission. It will never be as clean or as organized as I imagine it could be, and we will always have more stuff than we need, but as I get older and have the age and experience to look back on my life, I can see that this is a season for me.

This time of year, it happens to me whether we are preparing for a move or not. When the leaves are changing and the wind is blowing against the windows, I find I enjoy being in a home that is at least sort of organized and sort of clean - even if it only happens in one room at a time. Every year, as the leaves die and are purged from the trees, making way for the new life that will blossom there; I purge the dirt and the dust and the clothes that don't fit and the toys that have broken and the books we've all read. Every year, I purge the old to make room for the new gifts that will enter our home.

As I do this, I think about how God purges the earth with each passing season. I pray that he would purge my heart of the sin of pride that comes from thinking I can have a perfect home. I pray that he would purge my heart of the sin of anger that comes from seeing the imperfections in myself and others. I pray that He would renew my mind and my heart with fresh, beautiful life giving thoughts and words.

This year, like every year, I will clean more, I will purge more, I will read more and I will pray more. But, I will also tolerate and accept the mess more and when there is peace and order in my home, I vow to enjoy it more.

God, What is Mine to Do?

Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to attend the Forgotten People conference at Lifebridge Church in Fort Wayne, IN. I learned a lot, but I think the most important thing that I took home was this one quote: "God, what is mine to do?"

In the context of a speech on an entirely different topic, pastor's wife, Lynne Hybels shared this phrase. She said that when she felt overwhelmed with grief and compassion for people in need, she asked, God, what is mine to do?

I am not faced with the same challenges, but my life is filled with callings.
There are so many things that I WANT to do.
I want to spend $25 an hour and drive half way across the state so my daughter can take the horse riding lessons that she wants.
I want to drive back to Fort Wayne every time there is an invitation for my daughter to see her friends there. I want to send my musical child to Juliard.
I want to help my small town to organize a Cub Scout Pack, but I also want my boys to enjoy their time in the pack their in even if it's in another town.
I want to take my fighter half way across the state so he can train and wrestle with the best.
I want to make sure that my children brush their teeth properly so that they never have another cavity.
I want to compose every lesson so that they learn exactly what they need to know, and are never confused.
I want to say yes to every job offer because they always sound so interesting.
I want to take every class that the local college has to offer, just for fun.
I want to say yes to every ladies night, writers group, and SWA invitation.
I want to attend the Tuesday Bible study, and the Thursday Bible study and the Sunday morning Bible study, and I want to help in my children's Sunday school classes too.
I want to be there every time my child sings, her sister acts, her brother wrestles, his brother wins...
for every award, every honor, I want to be there. It's why I homeschool.

But, then I can not always have everything that I want. I can't give her the riding lessons, or him the best wrestling team. I can't get her to Juliard or be in more than one place on Sunday morning.

I can't feed the hungry or clothe the poor or save the world.

There are many things I want to do that I can't.

I could feel guilty when I have to choose who's award I'll witness, or which drives I'll make, or what charities I'll support because every time I say yes to one thing, I'm saying no to everything else that wants that hour, that day, that dollar.

I can't do all the things that I want to do.
But, I can ask God, what is mine to do? I can listen for His answer, and I can try to obey.

Life as a Vicar's Wife, Week 3

So, yesterday was Don's first official day as the Vicar. We've been in town for three weeks, but Sunday we said goodbye to the previous Vicar, and Don began to move books into his office on Monday morning. It is a bittersweet experience for the congregation, I'm sure.

They love their Vicars. I can tell by how well they have cared for the property and home that they provide for us. But, to say goodbye to one and hello to another... and to do it again and again, every year. This takes a strong and committed congregation. I am proud of those who continue to do this. I had never consider how challenging this is for them until we had been here a couple of weeks, getting to know the people and the congregation, and then watching them say goodbye to their beloved Vicar.

I can only hope that we too become someone that they love and cherish and are sad to say goodbye to. I already feel the sadness of knowing that the goodbyes will come.

There is no hope of building a future here (I know that Vicars sometimes to get called back, but that is very rare, and won't happen for most). The truth is, it's hard to leave the house. It's hard to muster up the courage and motivation to go out and experience life here.

I'm not afraid of anything bad happening. In fact, just the opposite is true. I'm terrified that it will be great! So great that I will be heartbroken when it inevitably has to end. So, I find that I am protecting myself emotionally, by simply staying home.

This is completely out of character for me. I am a joiner and a doer, and always involved in something. But, now, I wonder, what is the value of participating? I know that I will have to leave soon, probably just about the time that I really get to know people and get the hang of things. Or worse, I'll spend a year trying to get involved and just when I find someone or something that I really care about, before I even get to enjoy it, it will be over.

Do you think like this?
I know it isn't logical, and it isn't they way God made me to be.
But, here I am.

So, I've said yes to a dinner invitation. I've said yes to teaching Sunday School. I've said yes to joining, to participating... even though I'm terrified, and I'll tell you why.

Just two years ago, when we started at Seminary, I felt the same way. But, gradually, I joined, I signed up, I participated, and soon we made friends, found a place to belong, and fell in love with life in Fort Wayne. And, before we knew it, the time came, as we knew it would; the time came to move on.
We packed up everything we owned, for the third time in three years, and we said goodbye to all our friends. People we'd only known for that short time, were knocking on our door, organizing our truck, cleaning our house, making us lunch... laughing and crying with us.

It wasn't easy.
My heart still aches just thinking about it.
But, we survived.
And, we'll survive the move next year, and the one after that, and then...

God willing, we'll never have to say goodbye again.

I started this post when I was unpacking and found this book in my collection "I'm more than just a Pastor's Wife" by Lorna Dobson
I thought I would write about loneliness and feeling like a stranger here, but when I think about it, I know that it really is just fear of the unknown; fear of being vulnerable, and fear of being rejected that stops us from moving forward.

So, wherever you are in your journey, I encourage you to move forward into the great unknown and try it out. Something great awaits.