Defining Family - Back to the Beginning

This is the final project for my class on Family Communication. First, we had to read this article "Who's on the Family Tree? Now it's Complicated." from the New York Times. Then, we were asked to review our original definition of family from the beginning of the class. Here's mine:
"...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4) I personally like this definition. I was alone as an adult until I met my husband and together through marriage we became one union and when our union brought forth child, we were family. This family includes aunts, uncles, grandparents and any other relatives who take part in the lives of my children. Go HERE for a more thorough explanation of my definition.


Then, we are asked to respond to the article. I had to start with this quote, "For some children, having to explain their family tree... 'can cause kids pain in unexpected ways,' " The problem I have with this statement is that the pain is only 'unexpected' by the adults who made decisions about a child's life without considering the ramifications that those choices would have on the children they brought into this world.
For one thing, the relationship between parent and child begins with deception as defined on page 146 in our text. When a person begins their life with a parent named "anonymous" it is impossible to ever truly know who you are. Sperm donors don't really donate anything, they sell their reproductive materials for a price, and usually don't want their offspring to ever know who they are. 
Secondly, even in the case of the adoptive family, Mrs. Battel says of the other offspring created by the same male donor, "We decided they are not half-siblings, but donor siblings. We honor them, but they are not part of the family." Except that medically, they are. In fact, if their daughter ever needed an organ or tissue donor, those strangers are more likely to be a match than the man she calls Dad.


My definition of family has not changed. One of my peers objected to my definition and suggested that I was stating that he and his girlfriend cannot be considered a family. He's right, I would say that they are not a family and I stand by my statement that as a single adult, he is still the child of his parents and that is his family; but, when I entered into marriage, my husband and I became one - also, becoming a child of each other's family. We did not become a family unit ourselves until we had our first child. 
I offer another article from the New York Times. This one is written by a professor of sociology who discusses our American ideas about the ideal family. It makes for an interesting read, and fits this discussion well. Children who find themselves in family situations that are less than ideal, suffer the stages of crisis, as defined on pages 284-287 in our text.


So, what is family all about? How do we define a successful family? I think this MSNBC video says it all. You do have to sit through a 30 second commercial before the video starts, but it is less than five minutes total and completely worth your time. This couple shares their secrets of successful marriage during their 83rd anniversary party. 
Back in the NYT article about the ideal family, it is clear that no matter how far small groups of our culture attempt to stretch the boundaries of acceptable lifestyle choices, as a nation we believe that one man, one woman, one marriage is still the ideal. The family that holds on to that, and never gives it up is successful. Sometimes, the ideal falls apart, like when a father dies and his children are still young - they survive, but they grow up with a vital piece of their life missing. Many times though, these family units fall apart because adults make selfish decisions - those who are affected survive, but they do not thrive. 


Three things that I think are essential for a family to survive: 1) A rock - one person who is solid, stable and immovable. The one person (in my family it was my Gramma Ruby) who can be counted on to stay the same no matter how crazy the world gets. 2) Determination; sometimes holding a family together is a simple act of will power. 3) Work ethic - relationships take work, and people who give up easily when the going gets tough will not be able to make it for the long haul.
Three things that I think are essential for a family to thrive: 1) God at the head; a family can make it on the above items, but to truly be a successful family - one that doesn't just stay together, but loves to be together - they need to have God at the head. 2) Faith in the saving work of Christ Jesus, because death tears a family apart, unless you are secure in the peace and comfort that comes from living for eternity in the arms of God. Without this, every illness, every separation is a torture of worry as you wonder if the ones you love will ever be with you again. Faith gives you the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens, you will all share eternity in Heaven together. 3) Love, not the emotion, but the willingness to sacrifice for the good of others.

Unit 6 - Health Messages and Behaviors

Unit 6 will be in two parts because the two questions for this week seem unrelated, in my humble opinion. So, I think they are worthy of two posts.

First, identify 3-4 health-related messages/behaviors that your family has focused on. How do these messages/behaviors shape the behavior of various family members?

1) Variety in our food. We post the USDA my plate image on the cupboard door in our kitchen. We hope that it will serve as a reminder of the various food groups that are needed with each meal. As older children assist in meal planning and sometimes make their own meals, this serves as a guide to help them remember to make more than just macaroni and cheese.

2) Eat your fruits and vegetables. We leave fresh fruits and veggies out for snacks. Sometimes whole, sometimes cut up, and sometimes even with dip. This is so that our children will see these when they are looking for a snack and eat them instead of a less healthy snack. It also helps them get plenty of fruits and vegetables to help make up for the times when someone forgets to follow the my plate diagram and serves just macaroni and cheese.

3) Water. Your body's many cries for water is a book that identifies that many ways your body uses the water that you provide to it. Some water comes from your foods, especially juicy fruits, but most of the water your body gets is what you drink. Juice and pop are saved for special treats, and milk is only served with breakfast and dinner. When you are thirsty throughout the day, drink water. We do this to help our children to develop a habit of providing their body with enough water to sustain itself and to maintain their health. Our children generally ask for water when offered something to drink outside of our home, so I believe it is a habit that they are picking up on.

Family Communication & Stress

This post is for my Family Communication course: Unit Five. But, Seminary wives may find some comfort here.

Choose a minor or major stressor that your family has experienced and you are comfortable talking about.

Analyze the individual, generational, and historical time of the affected members that are relevant to the stressor. 

In this family, the father's decision to attend Seminary has been a major stressor. It is an off-time event in that he was in his late 30's; leaving his career after 15 years; and returning to school to pursue a 4-year academic program; and his family was going along for the ride. As we are approaching the end of the 3rd year of this journey, we can look back and see some of the effects these changes have had for this family.

Each family member has been effected in their own way and has dealt with the stress in their own way. 

The oldest child was 13 years old at the start of this journey, a time of change for girls when making new friends is awkward; her father will receive a call to a congregation just months before her 18th birthday, and she has no idea where she will be living or how far she will be from her friends and family when she graduates high school that following spring. 

The second oldest was 11 years old at the start of this journey, and while her age made it easier for her to make friends at first; each additional move became more of a heart break as these new friends were left behind again. She has had to navigate the tumultuous preteen years with few close friends to confide in. This has been a challenge for her, but has also served to bring her and her older sister closer.

The third child, the oldest son, was 8 years old at the start of this journey. He has been actively involved in Boy Scouts, and the search for a new troop every year and the journey to try and become part of the group has been especially challenging for this child you is adamantly opposed to any type of change.

The fourth born child, the second son, was 6 years old when this journey started. He is the most laid back of the oldest four children and on the surface appears to have handled the moves the easiest; however, he is also the fastest to break under any kind of pressure and is especially sensitive to the stress of those around him.

The fifth born sibling, the third son, turned 3 years old one month after the first move. He doesn't remember the home he was born in, and he seems to adjust quickly to each new home. However, as we approach this next move and have begun to talk about where we will live next year (as yet unknown) and have started to pack away some things in preparation, the process disturbs him. He likes it here and this next move will probably be the hardest for him.

The sixth born, the fourth boy was just 6 months old at the first move. He will celebrate his 6th birthday before he will live in one house for more than a year. The results of this stressor on him are hard to tell; perhaps by the time we are settled into a place, he won't even remember all the moving.

Father has just turned 40 and knows that his decision is off-time, many of his classmates are nearly 20 years younger than him. He isn't the only 2nd career guy at the Sem., and he does have excellent support from other students, faculty and church family.

Was this a vertical or horizontal stressor? Explain.

The moves themselves are horizontal stressors; but there are certainly vertical stressors that contribute to each person response. The vertical stressors include the expectation that everyone is on board. We are a family in ministry; while only Father will become an ordained and called servant of God in the role of Pastor - we all are part of that calling. Our actions and behaviors influence and effect each other as well as those in the congregation that we serve. 

The horizontal stress includes the actual physical act of moving every year. It is exhausting; emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

Did you/your family experience any/all of the stages of family crises (page 284-287)? Explain.

Each move is a new crisis, and yes, we all experienced the stages of family crisis with each move. 

Shock/denial: This was primarily experienced at the beginning of our journey. Now, with each move as Mother suggests that perhaps we should start to pack a few things in preparation for the move, resounding voices shout, "Already?!" Each year, does seem to speed by. Everyone knows that the move is coming, they can see its distance on the calendar, but it seems to come upon us so quickly that the first response is always shock that it has come.

Recoil resulting in anger, confusion, blaming, guilt, and bargaining. There comes a time in each move; for some of the family members it is in the packing process, for others it is in the unpacking process; but, it always comes. The times when the children declare that they will hide in their rooms for the whole year and they will refuse to even talk to anyone because making friends is just not worth it. Or, the times when they are certain that the next year is going to be the worst thing that ever happened to them. The second born often insists that she wants to "go home" meaning back to the house we left in the first move. The oldest tries to figure out who she can live with so that we will let her stay behind. The younger children refuse to pack their toys.

Depression. This is almost always after the move, although there are signs of it in the packing process. It is most severe when the business of moving has completed; when most of the things are unpacked and we realize that we don't know anyone, we don't know how to get anywhere, our calendar is empty and we don't have anything to put on it. Again, we are certain that we will never make any friends in this new place, and we should just hide in our rooms and cry.

Reorganization resulting in acceptance and recovery. This time always comes too. It is when we get tired of feeling sorry for ourselves and we make an effort to get involved in things outside our home. We join a homeschooling co-op, we make play dates, we join Scouts, we audition for a part in the local community theater. We open ourselves up to friendship. This time is bittersweet, because just when we have discovered all that there is to love about a place that we would like to call home, the knowledge that another move is imminently approaching knocks us over like a tidal wave.

FAITH & HOPE: This isn't a stage in the textbook, but in our lives and the lives of those who surround us, there is always faith & hope. We always know that it is God who directs our lives; whatever age or stage that we are in. We believe that God has called this man to service and through that, He has called us to stand alongside him. So, we do. That doesn't mean that we don't still go through these stages. It doesn't mean that don't struggle; we do. We are all sinful, and selfish and we all want what we want. But, we never stop believing that God is in charge, that He has our best interests at heart, that He led us to this place and He will guide us through the rest of the journey. A crisis of any kind is only unbearable when you don't have Faith and Hope.

Which, if any, of the coping strategies did you and/or your family use (page 302)? Explain. 

The coping strategies listed in the textbook all include changing something. For us, the crisis is in the change. For our family to cope, we keep as many things the same as possible. Our school books are the last thing that we pack and they are the first to be unpacked. We follow our daily routine as much as possible; household chores stay basically the same even though it's a new house; there are still bathrooms to clean, dishes to wash, trash to take out. We try to maintain every aspect of our family life as we possibly can, changing only the things that have to be changed.

Family Communication Unit 4 Pigeon-holing

I didn't like this unit. Too many labels.
Nothing in life is so simple, and certainly humans are not such simple creatures as to fit into just one style of conflict. With that said, here is my attempt to pigeon-hole my family of analysis.

Part One: Power Bases: In this family, there is one person who "acts helpless". This is a "personal resource" that he uses to manipulate others. He commonly uses phrases such as, "I can't see it" or "I don't get it"
This tactic has proven successful in the past, as another family member will often become frustrated and respond with "Nevermind, I'll do it."
Generally, this behavior and this response is discouraged; but it is a habit that has formed and is hard for either one to break.
I would say that it can not be successful for long, as it requires another person to provide the correct response. If no one in this person's life is willing to step in and take over the task, or let him out of it in some other way, then I believe he would soon find it unsuccessful.

Part Two: Labels
McMaster Model of Family Functioning: How does your family provide for:
1. adult sexual fulfillment and gender modeling for children? This family has a male/female leadership, in a heterosexual marriage.
2. nurturing and emotional support? "through advice, directives and answers to questions..." (155)
3. individual development? rotating chore charts; independent research into areas of interest; apprenticeship opportunities; various extracurricular activities
4. kinship maintenance and family management? holiday traditions; vacations with family, frequent visits; blogging, email, Facebook, telephone and letters.
5. basic resources: "Traditionally, men were expected to be the major financial providers in families..." (160) Our family follows this pattern, although Mom sometimes does freelance work from home.

Fitzpatrick's Couple Types: Traditional
Gottman's Conflict Types: Validating
Kantor & Lehr's Family Types: Closed Family


REFLECTION QUESTION: Reflection Question: Take a look at your classmate's webpages and find one that discusses the use of power bases in a way that is different from your own family. Would the use of this power base work in your family?  Why or why not? 
I chose Kayla's answer:
One of my family members uses cognitive resources.  She is almost 18 years old and gets exactly what she wants, when she wants it almost always.  This person still throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants whether it's money, food, going to a friends, seeing her boyfriend, etc.  Since her family is divorced, if mom says no she will go to dad and ask him.  Either way, she is usually always satisfied with the results of her actions.  

The temper tantrums would work in my family, because the sound of a whiny child makes me want to do just about anything to make it stop. However, after 6 children, I have learned that giving in doesn't make it stop, it only makes it more frequent. While my children still do whine sometimes, they have found that it serves to get them taken home if we're out, sent to their rooms if we're home or even gets their plate taken away if they are whining about their food. This is not usually the effect they are hoping for.

Discipline: What message does it send?

Midterm project - Family Communication

From our text, “Family Communication” by Galvin, Bylund & Brommel, we learn that “Meaning arises out of the process of interaction between people,” (69) and “In ongoing relationships, [we] develop the ability to recognize shared meanings and negotiate joint understandings through [our] interactions.” (68)

In the investigation of discipline techniques, I started with the premise that “communication involves the negotiation of shared meanings,” (26) and the premise that if our disciplinary messages don’t mean the same thing every time, then they are essentially meaningless.

I interviewed and observed several families in an effort to find patterns in discipline messages and their meanings. I chose four individuals to focus on, although many of the responses were similar. I made an effort to look for patterns of “good communication”; situations where the families appeared to be well-adjusted, and functioning with good relationships; as well as those who were willing to openly discuss this topic. Adults who reported that they had been physically abused as children are not included in this discussion because I am focusing on the patterns that seem to display “good communication”; that is, patterns where the meaning intended by the parent was similar to the meaning accepted by the child who was being disciplined.

The four interview subjects that are featured here, include: (fake names)
Maw-Maw, 77 year old female with 4 grown children, 7 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. Her father “paddled” her and her siblings, her mother never disciplined her that she can remember. She chose to repeat this pattern with her children; she never disciplined her children, but expected her husband to spank them, which he did. Her children, who were also interviewed, although not as extensively, reported this to be accurate according to their memories. Maw-Maw’s children voiced some resentment that they felt “a paddling was effective,” the message sent and received was “Don’t ever do that again,” however, they believed that they were forced to raise their children in a “don’t spank era” and so their “options for effective discipline were limited.”
Shelley, 55 year old female with 2 grown children and 5 grandchildren. Her father had spanked her and her siblings with his belt, which she felt was excessive. Shelley does not label her father’s discipline as abusive, but did feel that it was a discipline technique that she would not use. As a single mother, she felt that she had not been taught any other techniques and ended up being overly permissive with her children, sending a message of “Do whatever you want, there are no punishments here.” Shelley’s grown children agreed that this was the message that they received. Her adult children, who are now both parents themselves, have struggled to figure out how to discipline their own children and claim they jump from one theory to another depending on what books they read or what they see other families doing.
William, 60 year old male with seven children, 5 of them grown and 2 still at home. William explains that he and his wife had the opportunity to raise 2 families. They had five children when they were young and when the youngest of that crew was 16 years old, they were blessed with two more. He believes that he is a more effective disciplinarian the second time around. With the first family, they spanked their children when they were toddlers and used “time outs” when the children were older. They found both of these methods “were ineffective in the teen years and, by default, we turned to natural consequences.” With the 2nd family, William and his wife had learned about a discipline method called “switch training,” promoted in a book titled “To Train up a Child” by Michael Pearl. The method relies on diligence and persistence on the part of the parent to overcome the diligence and persistence on the part of the child. The primary concept is that every offense is punished immediately, with a switch (this could be a tap on the hand of a grabby toddler or a snap to the legs of a insistent stair climber). They found this to be an effective method of discipline as it taught their children a message of “disobedience equals pain.” He believes that this message is one that will carry into their older years and make disciplining them as teenagers easier, although he expects that he and his wife will return to using “natural consequences when the children are teens.”
David, a 41 year old male with 6 children, all still at home, has used the method found in a book titled “1-2-3 Magic” by Thomas W. Phelan with his children. This technique involves “warning a children with a count of three” to let the child know that their behavior is undesirable and that it will be punished at the “3” if it continues. David and his wife claim that it is effective, although they are often unsure of how to handle things when they get to 3. They currently employ a combination of spanking, time outs and natural consequences, “depending on the child’s age and the offense.”

Other parents that I interviewed responded in similar ways. The four discipline methods that were most prevalent are:
1. Switch training. The primary message is “disobedience = pain” Parents who used this method found it to be the most effective when initiated in the early years. They also pointed out that, like many forms of discipline, “it is a waste of time, if you aren’t going to follow through.”
2. 1-2-3 Magic. This is not so much a disciplinary technique as it is a method of warning. But, proponents argue that its effectiveness comes from giving a child a choice. If they “straighten up on their own” then, there is no punishment. The proponents of this method repeated the mantra that “it doesn’t work if you don’t follow through.”
3. Time-outs. These are often used as a “break” for both the parent and the child. Parents who prefer this method said that often times “the problem was solved by simply removing [the child] from the situation.” I did not find any adults who had experienced this type of discipline and so I was not able to evaluate completely whether or not the intended message is received by the child.
4. Natural consequences. While this sounds somewhat vague, it is a specific method of discipline and parents with grown children and/or teenagers claimed this to be the most effective means of “communicating their point” with this age group. A simple example is “if you don’t finish your chores and schoolwork, then you don’t go out with your friends.” The message being that responsibility comes before play. The teenagers who I spoke with seemed to agree that while they often “hate it”; they do understand the message that their parents are trying to send when they use natural consequences.

In our text, the authors claim that “families repeat themselves within and across generations. Members become caught up in predictable and often unexamined life patterns.” (23) With some exceptions (Shelley who did the opposite of her parents and William who got a second chance to raise a family); it appears to generally be true that as parents, we discipline our children in the same way that we were disciplined and unless the method isn’t working, we don’t make a lot of effort to change it.

There is one pattern that stood out to me. It is encouraging as a parent, but I find it concerning at the same time. In all forms of discipline, the parents and even some of the children stated that it only works if you do it consistently. This is encouraging to me as a parent to know that consistency and persistence will guide the success of whatever discipline method I use with my family. What I find worrisome about this pattern is that “working mothers are commonplace,” (15) and “the pressures of work, long hours, and downsizing have created enormous stressors for families.” (16) This separation of parents from their children and the commonness of children spending the majority of their waking hours in the care of school teachers and day care providers, seems to make it impossible for children to experience any kind of consistency in discipline.

A consistent message that tells a child, “When I do this, this happens,” is healthy. It is the natural law that teaches them to crawl and to walk. When they do it right, they experience success, and when they do it wrong, they experience a face-plant on the floor. Eventually, they figure it out. Have you ever seen a 3-year-old running excitedly and trip over his own two feet? He’s still getting it, but the consistency of gravity and his own muscle functions will provide him with a foundation to learn to be successful at running - eventually.




MY OPINION?
This is not part of my project, but just a final thought for my readers. As a mother of 6, ages 16-3, I have had a bit of experience with discipline. I have to say, all children are different. Switch training is very effective, but it is NOT for lazy mamas! Time-outs work for children are obedient enough to actually stay in the place you tell them to have their time-out at - I really think a time-out loses its effectiveness if you have to sit on the child to make him stay there-that child needs some other kind of training (In case you're worried, I've never sat on any of my children-I've considered duct tape though...) 
Sometimes, toddlers need a swat on the butt to get their attention when they think they are faster than the car that almost ran them over; especially when they actually are faster than Mom. And, finally, the teenagers; as much as I would like to spank them sometimes, they are too big and too fast for that nonsense; they like time-outs too much; so natural consequences are all that's left. But, it takes a mama with a strong will to follow through sometimes. 
How about you? 
What has experience taught you about discipline? 
Do you think that your kids 'get the message' you are trying to send?

Discipline - why we do what we do

Discipline! Why do you do it the way you do? What are you trying to teach/accomplish?

For my Midterm Project, I will conduct parent interviews concerning discipline, with a focus on communication.

For example:

Did your mother ever use "the look" to make you behave? 

Did you know what it meant? How did you know?

Did you ever use "the look" on your children to make them behave? 

How did you know it would work? 

How has the meaning of the look changed/stayed the same from when you were a child to when you were/are a parent?

Do you think that your children understand the same meaning in "the look" that you did as a child?

Does "the look" always work?

Did all of your children understand it/respond to it in the same way?

Then, I will ask similar questions about other types of discipline strategies. Like time outs, spankings, groundings; what messages did these send to you as a child? Do/did you use the same or different strategies with your own children? How did they respond? What messages are/were you trying to send through the punishment? What messages did you receive through the punishments that your parents chose? How did that effect the way you discipline your children?

How do strategies of discipline effect future relationships? Are there patterns that can be studied? What can we learn from their experience?

If any of my regular readers/subscribers would like to volunteer as interview subjects, let me know.

See my results HERE

Family Rituals

This week in chapter 5, we are learning about “relational maintenance strategies” (111). Basically, these are the things we do to maintain our relationships with others. It involves taking “time to think about each others’ lives” and making a conscious effort to strengthen bonds with another. (111)

One strategy is the use of rituals. These are usually “conscious repetition of actions and words” that create meaning. (113)

A ritual in our family is the evening bedtime story. We do this regularly and consciously in an effort to share a book together. We’ve gone from Goodnight Moon to Green Eggs and Ham to Chronicles of Narnia, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and now we are reading Robinson Crusoe. Over the years, as the children have grown, the oldest children don’t join us as often, but sometimes if they hear that we are at one of their favorite parts they will peer in and listen. The littlest children still sit on my lap and snuggle until they fall asleep. 

Some nights we miss this due to schedule conflicts or illness or other interruptions. I can always tell when we have missed our story time because no one sleeps as well. This ritual allows us to have a time in the evening where we share a tale of adventure and intrigue that we talk about during other times. This story in common provides a reference for other conversations. I saw this particularly played out when my three oldest children all read Harry Potter at the same time, but I did not read it. They would often have intimate conversations about the story that they had read that didn’t include anyone else. Sometimes, we meet new friends who have read some of our favorite stories and they can share in the secret conversations too.

Another conscious activity that our family participates in is attending regular worship services and fellowship with other Christian believers. I would not have thought of this as a ritual, but it is mentioned as a “spiritual” ritual that meets “religious needs”. This includes “praying or attending spiritual worship together, saying grace before meals,” etc. (115) Gathering together with our immediate family (our household) and our church family on a regular basis serves as what is called “relational currency” of “time together”. Our times of fellowship often also include other relational currencies such as “gifts” of “food” as we share in homemade desserts and coffee at Bible study on Tuesdays and Thursdays or evening meals prior to worship service on Wednesdays during Advent and Lent. We also share in the gift of Christ’s body and blood when we commune together and receive the Holy Eucharist. The gifts, foods and the time together all serve to develop and strengthen the bonds in our relationships with each other.

Through the exercise of completing this assignment, I was blessed to be reminded of all that others do for me and how much I enjoy the fellowship of other believers, whether it be with my own children at the dinner table or with all the congregation at the altar.

REFLECTION QUESTION:
Some of the rituals that I read and found interesting are as follows:
**Heather F. shared a ritual in her family that involves birthday dinners. There are eight of us in our immediate family, so we would have to go to a restaurant or buy special food nearly every month to do something like this. Instead, we hold big, elaborate parties at milestone birthdays. For adults, it's usually 30,40,50, etc. For our kids, it's 5, 10 and 15. But, I can see how a special meal out might be beneficial to a family that isn't always together; giving them a chance to share their life experiences and get to know each other better.
**The Smiths always sit in the same chair at the table. We do this too. It started because we have a small dining area and the seating had to be arranged in such a way that we could all fit around the table, so these became assigned seats. In our family, as with the Smiths, we sit in our assigned seats even when some of the family is not there. This consistent pattern is comforting.
**I think one I pondered for awhile was Olivia's. She describes her family's routine assignment of chores. Of course, we have chores here too. What I thought about the most is how daily chores, like washing the dishes and laundry or sweeping the floor and taking out the trash are little services that often get taken for granted. It is easy to fall into a routine where everyone just does their chore and no one really thinks about how others are serving them through these simple chores. My "love language" or "relational currency" is time and when the chores are done and I can relax and spend time just hanging out with the kids, it is very meaningful to me. When someone's chores do not get done and I end up having to clean up something I think someone else should have done, it takes away from that time together and I take it very personally. Olivia's sharing of her family's chore assignments reminded me to try and appreciate when everyone does their chores because that in itself is an act of service.

My Family: Cohesive & Flexible

For this post, I have to plot my family somewhere on a Cohesion and Flexibility quadrant. That would be easier if the textbook hadn't already pointed out that healthy families fall somewhere in the middle...SOOOO, do I tell the truth or do I make us appear "healthy".
Eh, I'm a risk taker, so here goes the truth.

First, cohesion consists of four choices (it's a quadrant, remember?)
Disengaged: "Family members maintain extreme separateness and independence, experiencing little belonging or loyalty." (31) Um, nope. I've got six kids at home, two of them still climb into my bed - we are not disengaged.
Connected: "Family members experience emotional independence as well as some sense of involvement and belonging." (31) Emotional independence? Sure. Well, except for the fact that my toddler won't play with other children if I try to leave the room and my teenager takes EVERYTHING I say as a personal affront. I guess that kind of makes them emotionally dependent. Let's see what's behind door number 3.
Cohesive: "Family members strive for emotional closeness, loyalty, and togetherness with emphasis on some individuality." (31) Can't you just tell this is the "healthy" choice? I want to choose this one, I really do...
Enmeshed: "Family members experience extreme closeness, loyalty, dependence and almost no individuality." (Olson, DeFrain, & Skogard, 2008)

I'm going to choose cohesive because I want to, but I have to admit we're bordering enmeshed.
1. My husband is training to be a pastor. This fact provides our family with an identity that is different from most of the people we will meet.
2. We homeschool. This fact separates us from major parts of society; I don't meet their classmates parents, or make friends at the high school football game. In some ways that separation is a blessing.
These things push us toward each other in times of emotional need, because it is the people in this family who understand what it's like to live in this family.

I lean back towards cohesive though because even with all that we share, everyone has their own interests. Mom is taking college classes, S. is writing a book, C. is studying music, T. is conducting science experiments and so on. They all support each other's interests without feeling a need to pursue someone else's passion.

To complete the quadrant, I had to next plot my family on a Flexibility line, again with four choices.
Rigid: "Family members experience very low levels of change, as well as authoritarian leadership and strict roles and rules." (32) Absolutely! This fits us quite accurately. Mom's rules are absolutes, and no one is confused about their role in this family. Yes, I've read all the studies about how authoritarian parenting is bad... blah, blah, blah. This is my choice and I'm sticking to it.... except that part about change. I'd be lying if I said that our family has experienced low levels of change.
Structured: "Family members experience more moderate levels of change as well as limited shared decision making and leadership and relatively stable roles and rules." (32) You know this is the "healthy" one, right? And, it's the one I would like to choose. We did let the kids decide how to spend the extra babysitting money we made last year, but moderate still doesn't describe the change that we've experienced.
Flexible: "Family members experience high levels of change, shared decision making, and shifting rules and roles." (32) High change, some shared decisions, Yes! That's us! I don't really know what shifting rules and roles means though.
Chaotic: "Family members experience very high levels of change as well as nonexistent leadership, confused and variable rules and roles." (Olson, DeFrain, & Skogard, 2008) Well, very high change, yes, but no to the rest of the definition.

This is much to difficult to plot, as I would say that we are like a ping pong ball being volleyed between rigidity and chaos. We've moved every summer for the past three years and we will continue to move every summer for two more years. Our youngest child will celebrate his sixth birthday before we can say that he has lived in any one place for more than a year at a time.
This pattern feeds itself into chaos, but the leadership in our family is rigid - the rules and roles are unchanging. In fact, we thrive on the stability that homeschooling provides because our school materials are the last thing to pack and the first to be unpacked. Even if the rest of our lives have been thrown around in the back of a moving truck and resides in piles of boxes; even if the world outside our door is frightening and unknown; when we sit down to begin our day, everything is just as it has always been.

I'd be done there, but I have to answer one more question; how does communication fit into all of this? We were open and honest about the life we were entering into. We prayed about the decision and discussed it with our children. I've continued to pray with them and for them as we go through this journey. They never had a choice in the matter, but we did expect them to trust God and to trust their parents to look out for their best interests and to take care of them. We've encouraged our children to recognize what is coming in their future, understand that there are some things they can not change and to make the best of whatever situation God calls them into.


UPDATE: 02/02/2012 Next step, answer this reflection question:
Look at your class mate's webpages and find a family who functions in a different quadrant from yours. Would this work for your family? Why or why not? (You are not judging your class mate's responses, rather you are looking at how they function, comparing it to how you function and then analyzing whether or not this would work for your family.)

I chose Tom's family. He describes a family that is connected and flexible. The children are older (college age and high school) than mine and they are more independent. This would not work for our family right now because the changes that we are going through are emotionally difficult for everyone and having a rock solid foundation here at home helps everyone get through it. In two years, we will be settled into a home that we can call permanent, Dad will have a job and a regular paycheck (as opposed to student loans), the oldest child will be in her senior year of high school and the younger children will be growing more independent. I can see our family heading for a time when we can be connected, but less dependent on each other... we're just not there yet.

Reflecting the Family Definition

I had to choose a definition for the word "family." I chose this

"...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4)  
For a more in depth discussion, see Defining Family

Here, I need to reflect on the definitions chosen by my classmates. I've noticed an underlying theme in the definitions offered:

"Family are those that we can go to in our time of need, when we need a friend, when we need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. "


"A close group of people who are loyal to each other, and will be there for each other emotionally and physically regardless of the circumstance. "


"anybody you can completely rely on and anybody that will go to bat for you when it's needed. I also believe it's some one who has nothing but good intentions for you and will offer that advice.You should be able to be to tell family anything thats on your mind including good and bad and know that you won't get judged as well."
Seth


Here is the question(s) that I've been assigned to answer. 
Look at a definition of family that one of your classmates has written. What is your response to it? How is it similar or different from your own definition? What is your reaction and why?

I have to choose one, so I chose Seth's mostly because it was the most in depth definition given along this same theme.

I think it's nice that they have grown up in families that are "there" for each other and who only have "good intentions" and don't "judge".

But, is that what makes a family?

What about the addict in the family? He's never there for any of us, his intentions are only to get the next fix and we DO judge him. Is he not family?

What about the absent father? He's not there for his kids, we don't know his intentions because he's never around and we DO judge him. Is he not family?

I clean my house before my family visits and YES, I do it because I believe they will judge me. They are still my family.

I still argue that we become family through our offspring. Until I had children of my own, my family was made up of the people who were part of my upbringing and I was the offspring. Both my mother's relations and my father's relations came together and were connected in no other way except that they shared a grandchild. This made them family.

Families are not always there for each other - even if we might like to be.

Families do not always listen - ask any teenager if their parents always listened - most will say no.

Families are not made up of people who don't judge each other - we know the intimate details of each other's lives and we tell each other ALL the time how we think they should have had more/less children; should have gotten married sooner/later; should have gone to/quit college; should have, should have, should have...

Even those friends, the ones we call "family" because we love them so much that we wish they were our family... even they are judging us and they are not always there for us... We compare our children's development, our clothing choices, our grocery budgets, our husband's careers, our own career choices... We compare everything!

I think these definitions are sweet, but naive. They are the in a perfect world, family would be like this definitions. I simply think they are inaccurate.

Systems Theory & My Family

THIRD POST: CHOOSE A THEORY FROM CHAPTER 3 TO USE IN ANALYZING MY FAMILY

Text: Family Communication Cohesion and Change by Galvin, Bylund, Brommel; 8th edition, quotes and page references are from this text.

The Systems Perspective: “When individuals form families, they also create family systems through their interaction patterns.” (57) Basically, this theory claims that the events in each person’s life affect all the others in the system.

Example: My aunt died last week. For me to drive home and attend the funeral on Friday, my husband had to take the day off, my daughters flew with their grandmother to be with their cousin who had just lost his mother, my sons had to miss homeschool co-op… just physical effects. There is also the ripple effect; my family’s loss was added to the prayer list at church which in turn affected the emotions of those closest to me. My oldest son was supposed to give a presentation last Friday, but missed it. He will have to try and get an extension from his teacher so he can still present his project. The drive home used up a large chunk of our fuel budget for the month, so we will have to rearrange the rest of our months scheduled activities or we will have to rearrange our budget.

One event effects the entire system.

Some specifics in the Systems Theory for Family Communication include

·         Interdependence “…parts are so interrelated as to be dependent on each other for their functioning.” (59)

·         Wholeness as in we are seen as a unit; made up of individual parts, but a whole unit. This is one of the reasons I chose this theory – my family is incomplete if one person is missing – the whole dynamic of our family interactions changes drastically if just one person is gone. Additionally, the theory suggests that those outside the family see it as a whole unit such that if one person has a strong characteristic it may represent the whole family. This is particularly true for the family of a Vicar/Pastor – we are the Vicar’s family, the Vicar’s wife, the Vicar’s kids. I don’t mind being introduced as “Corinne, our Vicar’s wife,” but it does exemplify the point made in this theory; while I am certainly viewed as an individual, much of my identity is tied to my husband’s work.

·         Patterns/Self-Regulation “Human beings learn to coordinate their actions, creating patterns together that could not be created individually.” (61) This theory suggests that we work towards maintaining the stability of predictable patterns of behavior, a process called calibration. A family works like a machine, according to this theory, such that if an individual behaves outside of the predictable pattern, the others provide feedback to push the individual back towards the pattern. At the same time, one individual can change their behavior intentionally to try to manipulate the others into changing the overall pattern.

·         Interactive Complexity/Punctuation “When you function as a member of an ongoing relational system, each of your actions serves as both a response to a previous action and a stimulus for a future action.” (63) Basically, the theory says that our family unit is so intertwined that it is futile to try and establish any kind of cause/effect relationships because our every action is both a cause and an effect.

·         Openness “Human systems include individuals, families, communities and societies that form nested layers.” (63) Using the example of my aunts funeral, the event caused a ripple effect into both our congregation, our church family who care for us and our homeschool co-op where our son missed his presentation deadline and I had to find a substitute for the class that I was supposed to teach.

·         Complex Relationships “In almost all cultures authority, respect, and power go to the older generation, and often to the males of that generation. Appropriate boundaries separate generations; when generational boundaries are blurred, confusion results…” (65) This is most certainly true in our family. Dad is in charge, then Mom, and sometimes an older sibling is given charge over a little for a short time of ‘babysitting’ wherein that older sibling is a surrogate authority.


From previous posts: My definition of family is "...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4) For more info, read Defining Family and my chosen family to analyze is described in the post titled My Family

My Family

So, I have to choose a family to analyze.
Well, my regular readers already know who I will choose.
I'm too busy with my own life to pay attention to the intimate details going on in someone else's home, SO without further ado: I choose ME!

Mom + Dad = half a dozen blessings.
Married for 17 years, two teenage girls, two preteen boys, and two toddlers.
Dad is a Vicar, Mom is a writer.
Mom hangs out all day in her favorite chair, bossing the kids around, making them LEARN stuff.
Dad works ALL the time, but mostly he's just down the hall so we can go bug him whenever we want.

That's US!


My family definition was "...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4) For a more elaborate discussion, see my post on Defining Family

Defining Family

We hear people talk about "family values", especially as the election year gets into full gear. We see advertisements from organizations like "Focus on the Family", and we hear extreme conservatives warn that the liberals are destroying the "family".
But, how do you define family?

From an academic perspective, we can start with one proposed by Fitzpatrick and Badzinski, "...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4) I personally like this definition. I was alone as an adult until I met my husband and together through marriage we became one union and when our union brought forth child, we were family. This family includes aunts, uncles, grandparents and any other relatives who take part in the lives of my children. I'm satisfied with this definition, but it is incomplete.

Winston Dictionary for Schools, 1967 offers seven possibilities:
1) a group of closely related people, as parents and their children
2) the children alone of such a group
3) a household; a group of persons under one roof
4) a body of persons descended from a common ancestor; tribe; clan
5) distinguished lineage; as they are people of good family
6) a group of things with some common characteristics as a mineral family
7) in biology, a classification of plants or animals larger than a genus, but smaller than an order; as the cat family

All of these are accurate, but still incomplete.

In our own language, we put restrictions on the term, as in when we speak of someone near and dear, but not related by blood or marriage and we say, "He is like family"
At the same time, we broaden the scope of the term when we use it to describe groups such as our "church family".

The text authors broaden the term even further and state, "As we talk about families, we will take a broad, inclusive view. Therefore, if the members consider themselves to be a family, and function as a family, we accept their self-definition." (Family Communication, p.8)

So, basically, from an academic perspective, there is no such thing as a definition of the word 'family'. It is a subjective term.

RELATED POSTS:
For info on the family that I chose to analyze for this class, see My Family
For my Communication Theory and event analysis, see Systems Theory & My Family