Family Communication & Stress

This post is for my Family Communication course: Unit Five. But, Seminary wives may find some comfort here.

Choose a minor or major stressor that your family has experienced and you are comfortable talking about.

Analyze the individual, generational, and historical time of the affected members that are relevant to the stressor. 

In this family, the father's decision to attend Seminary has been a major stressor. It is an off-time event in that he was in his late 30's; leaving his career after 15 years; and returning to school to pursue a 4-year academic program; and his family was going along for the ride. As we are approaching the end of the 3rd year of this journey, we can look back and see some of the effects these changes have had for this family.

Each family member has been effected in their own way and has dealt with the stress in their own way. 

The oldest child was 13 years old at the start of this journey, a time of change for girls when making new friends is awkward; her father will receive a call to a congregation just months before her 18th birthday, and she has no idea where she will be living or how far she will be from her friends and family when she graduates high school that following spring. 

The second oldest was 11 years old at the start of this journey, and while her age made it easier for her to make friends at first; each additional move became more of a heart break as these new friends were left behind again. She has had to navigate the tumultuous preteen years with few close friends to confide in. This has been a challenge for her, but has also served to bring her and her older sister closer.

The third child, the oldest son, was 8 years old at the start of this journey. He has been actively involved in Boy Scouts, and the search for a new troop every year and the journey to try and become part of the group has been especially challenging for this child you is adamantly opposed to any type of change.

The fourth born child, the second son, was 6 years old when this journey started. He is the most laid back of the oldest four children and on the surface appears to have handled the moves the easiest; however, he is also the fastest to break under any kind of pressure and is especially sensitive to the stress of those around him.

The fifth born sibling, the third son, turned 3 years old one month after the first move. He doesn't remember the home he was born in, and he seems to adjust quickly to each new home. However, as we approach this next move and have begun to talk about where we will live next year (as yet unknown) and have started to pack away some things in preparation, the process disturbs him. He likes it here and this next move will probably be the hardest for him.

The sixth born, the fourth boy was just 6 months old at the first move. He will celebrate his 6th birthday before he will live in one house for more than a year. The results of this stressor on him are hard to tell; perhaps by the time we are settled into a place, he won't even remember all the moving.

Father has just turned 40 and knows that his decision is off-time, many of his classmates are nearly 20 years younger than him. He isn't the only 2nd career guy at the Sem., and he does have excellent support from other students, faculty and church family.

Was this a vertical or horizontal stressor? Explain.

The moves themselves are horizontal stressors; but there are certainly vertical stressors that contribute to each person response. The vertical stressors include the expectation that everyone is on board. We are a family in ministry; while only Father will become an ordained and called servant of God in the role of Pastor - we all are part of that calling. Our actions and behaviors influence and effect each other as well as those in the congregation that we serve. 

The horizontal stress includes the actual physical act of moving every year. It is exhausting; emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

Did you/your family experience any/all of the stages of family crises (page 284-287)? Explain.

Each move is a new crisis, and yes, we all experienced the stages of family crisis with each move. 

Shock/denial: This was primarily experienced at the beginning of our journey. Now, with each move as Mother suggests that perhaps we should start to pack a few things in preparation for the move, resounding voices shout, "Already?!" Each year, does seem to speed by. Everyone knows that the move is coming, they can see its distance on the calendar, but it seems to come upon us so quickly that the first response is always shock that it has come.

Recoil resulting in anger, confusion, blaming, guilt, and bargaining. There comes a time in each move; for some of the family members it is in the packing process, for others it is in the unpacking process; but, it always comes. The times when the children declare that they will hide in their rooms for the whole year and they will refuse to even talk to anyone because making friends is just not worth it. Or, the times when they are certain that the next year is going to be the worst thing that ever happened to them. The second born often insists that she wants to "go home" meaning back to the house we left in the first move. The oldest tries to figure out who she can live with so that we will let her stay behind. The younger children refuse to pack their toys.

Depression. This is almost always after the move, although there are signs of it in the packing process. It is most severe when the business of moving has completed; when most of the things are unpacked and we realize that we don't know anyone, we don't know how to get anywhere, our calendar is empty and we don't have anything to put on it. Again, we are certain that we will never make any friends in this new place, and we should just hide in our rooms and cry.

Reorganization resulting in acceptance and recovery. This time always comes too. It is when we get tired of feeling sorry for ourselves and we make an effort to get involved in things outside our home. We join a homeschooling co-op, we make play dates, we join Scouts, we audition for a part in the local community theater. We open ourselves up to friendship. This time is bittersweet, because just when we have discovered all that there is to love about a place that we would like to call home, the knowledge that another move is imminently approaching knocks us over like a tidal wave.

FAITH & HOPE: This isn't a stage in the textbook, but in our lives and the lives of those who surround us, there is always faith & hope. We always know that it is God who directs our lives; whatever age or stage that we are in. We believe that God has called this man to service and through that, He has called us to stand alongside him. So, we do. That doesn't mean that we don't still go through these stages. It doesn't mean that don't struggle; we do. We are all sinful, and selfish and we all want what we want. But, we never stop believing that God is in charge, that He has our best interests at heart, that He led us to this place and He will guide us through the rest of the journey. A crisis of any kind is only unbearable when you don't have Faith and Hope.

Which, if any, of the coping strategies did you and/or your family use (page 302)? Explain. 

The coping strategies listed in the textbook all include changing something. For us, the crisis is in the change. For our family to cope, we keep as many things the same as possible. Our school books are the last thing that we pack and they are the first to be unpacked. We follow our daily routine as much as possible; household chores stay basically the same even though it's a new house; there are still bathrooms to clean, dishes to wash, trash to take out. We try to maintain every aspect of our family life as we possibly can, changing only the things that have to be changed.