Backtalk... A Book Review

Do your children treat you or each other with disrespect? Do you wonder what to do when it isn't what they say, but how they say it that bothers you? The authors of this book promise to fix your problem in four easy steps.

Backtalk written by Audrey Ricker, Ph.D. and Carolyn Crowder, Ph.D. based on the psychological theories of Alfred Adler.

The book begins with this general premise. "When children are allowed to get away with backtalk, they don't learn to have respect for others" (11) "...a child who gets away with it at home will undoubtedly try backtalking outside the home, losing respect of friends, friends parents, teachers, and, later employers." (13) So, by putting an end to the backtalk at home, we are preparing our child for a more successful life in adulthood. We are protecting them from devastation that comes from struggling to make friends, develop relationships and stay employed.

Backtalk is more than just disagreement, but includes the blatant lack of respect that can be seen and felt in the words, tone and gestures that we use in communication. Ricker and Crowder provide four steps: Recognize [the backtalk], Choose [a consequence], Enact [the consequence], Disengage [yourself from the situation].

Overall, the book is an easy read, with witty and humorous banter on the possible results of your first attempts at using their 4-step method. "You then ignore the screams from Carl's room, plus sounds of banging and objects hitting walls. (The sound of glass breaking and the smell of smoke can be attended to, however.)" (66)

While I certainly support Adler's theory of logical consequences in theory, there is a problem with implementation in reality. The simple issue is that children are likely to backtalk more often than the number of things that can be logically taken away from them. For example, Ricker and Crowder suggest a teen who backtalks should be answered with a response such as your disrespect has depleted my energy and now I'm too exhausted to drive you to the mall, your friends house, or whatever other activity they are expecting you to take them too that day.

In theory, that sounds like a great idea, but what if your teenager is backtalking on a day that you had no intention of taking her anywhere? I don't generally run my kids to the mall or to an outside activity every day. In fact, I hardly ever run them around. So, how do I find consequences that are immediate and logical?

Ricker and Crowder provide one example of a dad who can't think of anything to take away from his children. The problem, they claim, is that he is too self-absorbed and focused on his own life and doesn't pay attention to them. The solution that they propose? Dad needs to plan more activities for his children; take them on ski trips and other adventures so that they would be motivated to behave so they wouldn't miss out on the fun.

They claim a successful program is found in families where "...the parents provide so much for the children - so much attention, so many services, such as driving, and so much support for the children's activities - that potential consequences abound." (109) I find this somewhat insulting, to me and to my children. I don't think that they need me to provide endless services just so that I have more options for things to take away. We tend to be more of the mindset that our children learn to be independent adults by fending for themselves. Doing their own laundry, washing their own dishes and arranging their own transportation to their social activities is part of learning to be a grown-up.

Besides, even if I was willing to overload my schedule with children's activities and spend all my days running them around and providing services for them... what do I do with the kid who would rather stay home and read books all day? Should I use reverse psychology and say, If you talk back, I'll make you sign up for soccer?

Overall, Backtalk provides some good concepts and makes some relevant points, but I think that the authors  might need a little more practical parenting experience to add to their academic credentials before developing the next edition.