Family Communication & Stress

This post is for my Family Communication course: Unit Five. But, Seminary wives may find some comfort here.

Choose a minor or major stressor that your family has experienced and you are comfortable talking about.

Analyze the individual, generational, and historical time of the affected members that are relevant to the stressor. 

In this family, the father's decision to attend Seminary has been a major stressor. It is an off-time event in that he was in his late 30's; leaving his career after 15 years; and returning to school to pursue a 4-year academic program; and his family was going along for the ride. As we are approaching the end of the 3rd year of this journey, we can look back and see some of the effects these changes have had for this family.

Each family member has been effected in their own way and has dealt with the stress in their own way. 

The oldest child was 13 years old at the start of this journey, a time of change for girls when making new friends is awkward; her father will receive a call to a congregation just months before her 18th birthday, and she has no idea where she will be living or how far she will be from her friends and family when she graduates high school that following spring. 

The second oldest was 11 years old at the start of this journey, and while her age made it easier for her to make friends at first; each additional move became more of a heart break as these new friends were left behind again. She has had to navigate the tumultuous preteen years with few close friends to confide in. This has been a challenge for her, but has also served to bring her and her older sister closer.

The third child, the oldest son, was 8 years old at the start of this journey. He has been actively involved in Boy Scouts, and the search for a new troop every year and the journey to try and become part of the group has been especially challenging for this child you is adamantly opposed to any type of change.

The fourth born child, the second son, was 6 years old when this journey started. He is the most laid back of the oldest four children and on the surface appears to have handled the moves the easiest; however, he is also the fastest to break under any kind of pressure and is especially sensitive to the stress of those around him.

The fifth born sibling, the third son, turned 3 years old one month after the first move. He doesn't remember the home he was born in, and he seems to adjust quickly to each new home. However, as we approach this next move and have begun to talk about where we will live next year (as yet unknown) and have started to pack away some things in preparation, the process disturbs him. He likes it here and this next move will probably be the hardest for him.

The sixth born, the fourth boy was just 6 months old at the first move. He will celebrate his 6th birthday before he will live in one house for more than a year. The results of this stressor on him are hard to tell; perhaps by the time we are settled into a place, he won't even remember all the moving.

Father has just turned 40 and knows that his decision is off-time, many of his classmates are nearly 20 years younger than him. He isn't the only 2nd career guy at the Sem., and he does have excellent support from other students, faculty and church family.

Was this a vertical or horizontal stressor? Explain.

The moves themselves are horizontal stressors; but there are certainly vertical stressors that contribute to each person response. The vertical stressors include the expectation that everyone is on board. We are a family in ministry; while only Father will become an ordained and called servant of God in the role of Pastor - we all are part of that calling. Our actions and behaviors influence and effect each other as well as those in the congregation that we serve. 

The horizontal stress includes the actual physical act of moving every year. It is exhausting; emotionally, mentally, and physically. 

Did you/your family experience any/all of the stages of family crises (page 284-287)? Explain.

Each move is a new crisis, and yes, we all experienced the stages of family crisis with each move. 

Shock/denial: This was primarily experienced at the beginning of our journey. Now, with each move as Mother suggests that perhaps we should start to pack a few things in preparation for the move, resounding voices shout, "Already?!" Each year, does seem to speed by. Everyone knows that the move is coming, they can see its distance on the calendar, but it seems to come upon us so quickly that the first response is always shock that it has come.

Recoil resulting in anger, confusion, blaming, guilt, and bargaining. There comes a time in each move; for some of the family members it is in the packing process, for others it is in the unpacking process; but, it always comes. The times when the children declare that they will hide in their rooms for the whole year and they will refuse to even talk to anyone because making friends is just not worth it. Or, the times when they are certain that the next year is going to be the worst thing that ever happened to them. The second born often insists that she wants to "go home" meaning back to the house we left in the first move. The oldest tries to figure out who she can live with so that we will let her stay behind. The younger children refuse to pack their toys.

Depression. This is almost always after the move, although there are signs of it in the packing process. It is most severe when the business of moving has completed; when most of the things are unpacked and we realize that we don't know anyone, we don't know how to get anywhere, our calendar is empty and we don't have anything to put on it. Again, we are certain that we will never make any friends in this new place, and we should just hide in our rooms and cry.

Reorganization resulting in acceptance and recovery. This time always comes too. It is when we get tired of feeling sorry for ourselves and we make an effort to get involved in things outside our home. We join a homeschooling co-op, we make play dates, we join Scouts, we audition for a part in the local community theater. We open ourselves up to friendship. This time is bittersweet, because just when we have discovered all that there is to love about a place that we would like to call home, the knowledge that another move is imminently approaching knocks us over like a tidal wave.

FAITH & HOPE: This isn't a stage in the textbook, but in our lives and the lives of those who surround us, there is always faith & hope. We always know that it is God who directs our lives; whatever age or stage that we are in. We believe that God has called this man to service and through that, He has called us to stand alongside him. So, we do. That doesn't mean that we don't still go through these stages. It doesn't mean that don't struggle; we do. We are all sinful, and selfish and we all want what we want. But, we never stop believing that God is in charge, that He has our best interests at heart, that He led us to this place and He will guide us through the rest of the journey. A crisis of any kind is only unbearable when you don't have Faith and Hope.

Which, if any, of the coping strategies did you and/or your family use (page 302)? Explain. 

The coping strategies listed in the textbook all include changing something. For us, the crisis is in the change. For our family to cope, we keep as many things the same as possible. Our school books are the last thing that we pack and they are the first to be unpacked. We follow our daily routine as much as possible; household chores stay basically the same even though it's a new house; there are still bathrooms to clean, dishes to wash, trash to take out. We try to maintain every aspect of our family life as we possibly can, changing only the things that have to be changed.

I laughed at a telemarketer, but I couldn't help it.

I'm not rude to people, I'm really generally not. I'm polite to everyone; other drivers, grocery store clerks, people on the street, even telemarketers. But, today, I just couldn't help myself.

The phone has been ringing non-stop for about a week. The vicarage number is the emergency contact for the congregation; you know, like if someone suddenly goes to the hospital and needs their Pastor - they call us. Because of this, we pretty much always answer the phone.

So, all this week, I've been getting calls from political surveys and what not. Well, as I sat visiting with my mom this afternoon, I answered a call for "Mrs. Lewis"
"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."
"Oh, well, perhaps you would like to give us your opinion..."
"No, I don't want to, but thank you for calling."

The phone continued to ring, almost non-stop for the rest of the evening. I ignored it and no one ever left a message. If it was an emergency, they would leave a message, right? So, I ignored it. That's really hard to do.

After my mom left, I finally answered it. I thought she might be calling to say she'd forgotten something, but I should have known, it was for "Mrs. Lewis" (my last name isn't Lewis, by the way)
"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."
"Oh, well, could I take just a moment of your time?"
"Ok, sure"
I don't remember exactly what she said, but it went something like this:
- Our country needs strong, independent, liberal, democratic women in political office. Some insult about Rush Limbaugh. Now, ma'am, in your area, people have been giving donations of around $150, can we count on you for that amount?
I started laughing. I couldn't help it. Then, I said something like - "I believe the opposite of everything you just said. Please, take me off your calling list."

The phone hasn't rang since.

I'm sure it will start up again tomorrow.

Who says: "That's not news!"?

I read this article today HERE, and the writer brings up an important point that is almost an afterthought to the rest of his article, but it is something that has been bothering me for awhile.
He mentions the disparity between topics that get media coverage and those that don't. Sometimes, I am shocked to learn about something that has happened in my area that was completely ignored by local media. Some of these include items that I have written about, taken photos of and submitted to our local newspaper. So, I have to wonder if it's me? Do I just not know what qualifies as news?

Apparently not.

I wrote some articles for the student paper while I attended college. After I revealed that I was the wife of a Seminary student, all of the articles that I was assigned were politically and religiously charged. They were also articles that I could not in good conscience write in a way that would be considered "objective" or "neutral". My bias was bound to shine through, unless I flat-out lied, which I refused to do. I thought, he's just one editor; one liberal, left-leaning editor. I only wrote for the paper for one semester.

Who decides what is newsworthy?

Later, in a Journalism course, we were assigned the task of seeking out real-to-life articles to write. When Allen County held its annual March for Life rally, including speakers Abby Johnson and senator Marlin Stutzman; I thought this is certainly "newsworthy."
 I was wrong. 


Abby Johnson had been the director for Planned Parenthood and shared what she learned during her employment there and how she was affected the first time she actually witnessed an abortion. It is a compelling story; but it's not news.

Senator Marlin Stutzman spoke about his efforts to defund Planned Parenthood in the state of Indiana. It is what his constituents want to hear, but it's not news.

I won't quote my professor exactly, as it's been too long for me to remember it accurately; but, her comment to my article proposal went something like this: A bunch of people walk down the street holding 'baby killer' signs. That's not news!

I attended the rally anyway and I wrote the story anyway. It never got published. But, I knew it wouldn't, because it's not news.

7 weeks pregnant - I'm so sick!!

I don't have morning sickness. In fact, I feel just fine in the morning. And, if I didn't eat, I'd feel great all day; well, except for starving. It's the eating that makes me sick. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat or how much or when. It all makes me ill. It's the worst in the afternoon.

It is comforting in a way, as I consider that all of my previous pregnancies have been this way; they have all gone well and produced healthy, beautiful children. So, as long as I'm sick, I feel normal, I guess.

WARNING: Gross parts to come.

My entire digestive system seems to go crazy when I'm pregnant. My throat tightens up, so I have to take smaller bites. It's like it knows that I am looking at my food and thinking, "What will that be like coming back up?"
I know from experience that spaghetti noodles will go up my nose and get caught in my throat and that I will choke on them. I avoid spaghetti, or I break it into small pieces when I'm cooking it and I chew it a lot.
Milk comes up spoiled if it sits in my stomach too long. I hate that. But, I crave milk, so I keep drinking it anyway.
Yogurt isn't better.
Anything spicy burns on it's way back through.
Foods with sharp edges ( like chips) cut into my esophagus and cause me to throw up blood. It's gross... and scary.

I've got a lot of experience with this, so much so that I eat, vomit, and eat again, and it sometimes, it doesn't even bother me. But, no matter how much I have been through this, it still seems odd to prepare every meal thinking about how it will taste and feel when it inevitably comes back up.

Family Communication Unit 4 Pigeon-holing

I didn't like this unit. Too many labels.
Nothing in life is so simple, and certainly humans are not such simple creatures as to fit into just one style of conflict. With that said, here is my attempt to pigeon-hole my family of analysis.

Part One: Power Bases: In this family, there is one person who "acts helpless". This is a "personal resource" that he uses to manipulate others. He commonly uses phrases such as, "I can't see it" or "I don't get it"
This tactic has proven successful in the past, as another family member will often become frustrated and respond with "Nevermind, I'll do it."
Generally, this behavior and this response is discouraged; but it is a habit that has formed and is hard for either one to break.
I would say that it can not be successful for long, as it requires another person to provide the correct response. If no one in this person's life is willing to step in and take over the task, or let him out of it in some other way, then I believe he would soon find it unsuccessful.

Part Two: Labels
McMaster Model of Family Functioning: How does your family provide for:
1. adult sexual fulfillment and gender modeling for children? This family has a male/female leadership, in a heterosexual marriage.
2. nurturing and emotional support? "through advice, directives and answers to questions..." (155)
3. individual development? rotating chore charts; independent research into areas of interest; apprenticeship opportunities; various extracurricular activities
4. kinship maintenance and family management? holiday traditions; vacations with family, frequent visits; blogging, email, Facebook, telephone and letters.
5. basic resources: "Traditionally, men were expected to be the major financial providers in families..." (160) Our family follows this pattern, although Mom sometimes does freelance work from home.

Fitzpatrick's Couple Types: Traditional
Gottman's Conflict Types: Validating
Kantor & Lehr's Family Types: Closed Family


REFLECTION QUESTION: Reflection Question: Take a look at your classmate's webpages and find one that discusses the use of power bases in a way that is different from your own family. Would the use of this power base work in your family?  Why or why not? 
I chose Kayla's answer:
One of my family members uses cognitive resources.  She is almost 18 years old and gets exactly what she wants, when she wants it almost always.  This person still throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants whether it's money, food, going to a friends, seeing her boyfriend, etc.  Since her family is divorced, if mom says no she will go to dad and ask him.  Either way, she is usually always satisfied with the results of her actions.  

The temper tantrums would work in my family, because the sound of a whiny child makes me want to do just about anything to make it stop. However, after 6 children, I have learned that giving in doesn't make it stop, it only makes it more frequent. While my children still do whine sometimes, they have found that it serves to get them taken home if we're out, sent to their rooms if we're home or even gets their plate taken away if they are whining about their food. This is not usually the effect they are hoping for.

Pregnant 5wks+4days I feel great. Should I be worried?

I keep waiting for the wave of nausea to overcome me and send me rushing to the bathroom. I was sick throughout all 6 of my previous pregnancies. Hyperemesis Gravidarum, is what it's called. It can be so severe that round-the-clock IV fluids are required just to keep Mom from getting dehydrated. Extreme dehydration causes nausea also, so it can be a bitter cycle.

But, today, I'm not sick, just starving. I think I'll enjoy it while it lasts, because I have a feeling that pregnancy sickness is on its way.

A new baby brings about so many things to think about.
Will we buy a bigger van?
Will we need a bigger house?
What will we name "Seven" when we meet him or her?
I'm 37, are my eggs old and deformed?
Will our baby be healthy?
I'm overweight, what are the risks?
I had the last two at home, am I strong enough to do that again?

I have 34 weeks and 3 days to worry; today I feel fine. I called the midwife and I'm looking forward to my first appointment. God is good.

When should you announce your pregnancy?

Feb. 3rd was the first day of my last period. That is the answer to the first question you will be asked when you go to see the OB/GYN (or when you call the midwife). Then, they calculate 40 weeks from that date to give you a due date. According to this method, I am due on November 9th and yesterday marked the 5 week mark.
Many women do not even know that they are pregnant this early; and I have been given advice to wait to tell. "What if you miscarry?" is the argument for waiting until the end of the 3rd trimester (around 12 weeks) before sharing your blessed news with others.
I would have taken that advice and waited, but as soon as I saw the 2 lines on that pregnancy test, I wanted to tell my husband. I tried to hint... but, my daughters got the clues before my husband did and then there was no stopping the news from spreading throughout the world. My daughters are not good at keeping secrets; especially something this exciting.
I've heard others argue that waiting because you are afraid something will go wrong is a lonely decision. If you miscarry, who will support you in your grief if no one knew you were expecting?
So, when should you tell?
When did/would you tell?

Discipline: What message does it send?

Midterm project - Family Communication

From our text, “Family Communication” by Galvin, Bylund & Brommel, we learn that “Meaning arises out of the process of interaction between people,” (69) and “In ongoing relationships, [we] develop the ability to recognize shared meanings and negotiate joint understandings through [our] interactions.” (68)

In the investigation of discipline techniques, I started with the premise that “communication involves the negotiation of shared meanings,” (26) and the premise that if our disciplinary messages don’t mean the same thing every time, then they are essentially meaningless.

I interviewed and observed several families in an effort to find patterns in discipline messages and their meanings. I chose four individuals to focus on, although many of the responses were similar. I made an effort to look for patterns of “good communication”; situations where the families appeared to be well-adjusted, and functioning with good relationships; as well as those who were willing to openly discuss this topic. Adults who reported that they had been physically abused as children are not included in this discussion because I am focusing on the patterns that seem to display “good communication”; that is, patterns where the meaning intended by the parent was similar to the meaning accepted by the child who was being disciplined.

The four interview subjects that are featured here, include: (fake names)
Maw-Maw, 77 year old female with 4 grown children, 7 grandchildren and 3 great grandchildren. Her father “paddled” her and her siblings, her mother never disciplined her that she can remember. She chose to repeat this pattern with her children; she never disciplined her children, but expected her husband to spank them, which he did. Her children, who were also interviewed, although not as extensively, reported this to be accurate according to their memories. Maw-Maw’s children voiced some resentment that they felt “a paddling was effective,” the message sent and received was “Don’t ever do that again,” however, they believed that they were forced to raise their children in a “don’t spank era” and so their “options for effective discipline were limited.”
Shelley, 55 year old female with 2 grown children and 5 grandchildren. Her father had spanked her and her siblings with his belt, which she felt was excessive. Shelley does not label her father’s discipline as abusive, but did feel that it was a discipline technique that she would not use. As a single mother, she felt that she had not been taught any other techniques and ended up being overly permissive with her children, sending a message of “Do whatever you want, there are no punishments here.” Shelley’s grown children agreed that this was the message that they received. Her adult children, who are now both parents themselves, have struggled to figure out how to discipline their own children and claim they jump from one theory to another depending on what books they read or what they see other families doing.
William, 60 year old male with seven children, 5 of them grown and 2 still at home. William explains that he and his wife had the opportunity to raise 2 families. They had five children when they were young and when the youngest of that crew was 16 years old, they were blessed with two more. He believes that he is a more effective disciplinarian the second time around. With the first family, they spanked their children when they were toddlers and used “time outs” when the children were older. They found both of these methods “were ineffective in the teen years and, by default, we turned to natural consequences.” With the 2nd family, William and his wife had learned about a discipline method called “switch training,” promoted in a book titled “To Train up a Child” by Michael Pearl. The method relies on diligence and persistence on the part of the parent to overcome the diligence and persistence on the part of the child. The primary concept is that every offense is punished immediately, with a switch (this could be a tap on the hand of a grabby toddler or a snap to the legs of a insistent stair climber). They found this to be an effective method of discipline as it taught their children a message of “disobedience equals pain.” He believes that this message is one that will carry into their older years and make disciplining them as teenagers easier, although he expects that he and his wife will return to using “natural consequences when the children are teens.”
David, a 41 year old male with 6 children, all still at home, has used the method found in a book titled “1-2-3 Magic” by Thomas W. Phelan with his children. This technique involves “warning a children with a count of three” to let the child know that their behavior is undesirable and that it will be punished at the “3” if it continues. David and his wife claim that it is effective, although they are often unsure of how to handle things when they get to 3. They currently employ a combination of spanking, time outs and natural consequences, “depending on the child’s age and the offense.”

Other parents that I interviewed responded in similar ways. The four discipline methods that were most prevalent are:
1. Switch training. The primary message is “disobedience = pain” Parents who used this method found it to be the most effective when initiated in the early years. They also pointed out that, like many forms of discipline, “it is a waste of time, if you aren’t going to follow through.”
2. 1-2-3 Magic. This is not so much a disciplinary technique as it is a method of warning. But, proponents argue that its effectiveness comes from giving a child a choice. If they “straighten up on their own” then, there is no punishment. The proponents of this method repeated the mantra that “it doesn’t work if you don’t follow through.”
3. Time-outs. These are often used as a “break” for both the parent and the child. Parents who prefer this method said that often times “the problem was solved by simply removing [the child] from the situation.” I did not find any adults who had experienced this type of discipline and so I was not able to evaluate completely whether or not the intended message is received by the child.
4. Natural consequences. While this sounds somewhat vague, it is a specific method of discipline and parents with grown children and/or teenagers claimed this to be the most effective means of “communicating their point” with this age group. A simple example is “if you don’t finish your chores and schoolwork, then you don’t go out with your friends.” The message being that responsibility comes before play. The teenagers who I spoke with seemed to agree that while they often “hate it”; they do understand the message that their parents are trying to send when they use natural consequences.

In our text, the authors claim that “families repeat themselves within and across generations. Members become caught up in predictable and often unexamined life patterns.” (23) With some exceptions (Shelley who did the opposite of her parents and William who got a second chance to raise a family); it appears to generally be true that as parents, we discipline our children in the same way that we were disciplined and unless the method isn’t working, we don’t make a lot of effort to change it.

There is one pattern that stood out to me. It is encouraging as a parent, but I find it concerning at the same time. In all forms of discipline, the parents and even some of the children stated that it only works if you do it consistently. This is encouraging to me as a parent to know that consistency and persistence will guide the success of whatever discipline method I use with my family. What I find worrisome about this pattern is that “working mothers are commonplace,” (15) and “the pressures of work, long hours, and downsizing have created enormous stressors for families.” (16) This separation of parents from their children and the commonness of children spending the majority of their waking hours in the care of school teachers and day care providers, seems to make it impossible for children to experience any kind of consistency in discipline.

A consistent message that tells a child, “When I do this, this happens,” is healthy. It is the natural law that teaches them to crawl and to walk. When they do it right, they experience success, and when they do it wrong, they experience a face-plant on the floor. Eventually, they figure it out. Have you ever seen a 3-year-old running excitedly and trip over his own two feet? He’s still getting it, but the consistency of gravity and his own muscle functions will provide him with a foundation to learn to be successful at running - eventually.




MY OPINION?
This is not part of my project, but just a final thought for my readers. As a mother of 6, ages 16-3, I have had a bit of experience with discipline. I have to say, all children are different. Switch training is very effective, but it is NOT for lazy mamas! Time-outs work for children are obedient enough to actually stay in the place you tell them to have their time-out at - I really think a time-out loses its effectiveness if you have to sit on the child to make him stay there-that child needs some other kind of training (In case you're worried, I've never sat on any of my children-I've considered duct tape though...) 
Sometimes, toddlers need a swat on the butt to get their attention when they think they are faster than the car that almost ran them over; especially when they actually are faster than Mom. And, finally, the teenagers; as much as I would like to spank them sometimes, they are too big and too fast for that nonsense; they like time-outs too much; so natural consequences are all that's left. But, it takes a mama with a strong will to follow through sometimes. 
How about you? 
What has experience taught you about discipline? 
Do you think that your kids 'get the message' you are trying to send?