Something's missing

Two of my little boys were fighting today, and I was about to admonish them when I thought of something that Gramma would say. It was what she always said when we were naughty and our mother admonished us. She would say, "Let them be. They're not hurting anything." 

I let them be, and then I cried. It's probably because I'm pregnant... well, okay, I know it's because I'm pregnant. But, it's not just because of hormones; it's because of what is missing this time. I wanted so badly to call her and talk about life in the "seven club".

My grandmother had seven children. I am pregnant with my seventh child.

When I was pregnant with my first, I called her. I had all sorts of questions, like "you had seven kids, how did you do this and that and the other thing?" She had buried two of her children before I was even old enough to think about having any. I asked her how she survived. She told me that she missed them, but she knew where they were. I've never known such a faith as hers.

She had two girls and five boys.
I had two girls first. Over the years, I turned to her for advice and guidance. She always gave me faith and wisdom. She knew so much more than I could ever imagine knowing. Even now. Which is why I need her so much.

When I had four: two girls and two boys, I called her. We talked about the differences in boys and girls. She told me that girls will hold a grudge for weeks, but boys will be over it in one fist fight. She was right.

Now, that I have two girls and four boys, I wonder if I will have another boy and my count will match hers. I wonder if she would be proud of me for the way my kids are growing up. She'd have never said if she wasn't, but I wonder just the same.

I want to ask her about life with seven kids. What's it like?
I want to ask her about raising a multitude of boys.
There are so many things I want to ask, but she is gone. I miss her, and I know where she is, and thanks to her amazing faith, I know that we will be together again. But, now, in this earthly life, I have so many unanswered questions. I miss her, and all I can do is cry.