My Family: Cohesive & Flexible

For this post, I have to plot my family somewhere on a Cohesion and Flexibility quadrant. That would be easier if the textbook hadn't already pointed out that healthy families fall somewhere in the middle...SOOOO, do I tell the truth or do I make us appear "healthy".
Eh, I'm a risk taker, so here goes the truth.

First, cohesion consists of four choices (it's a quadrant, remember?)
Disengaged: "Family members maintain extreme separateness and independence, experiencing little belonging or loyalty." (31) Um, nope. I've got six kids at home, two of them still climb into my bed - we are not disengaged.
Connected: "Family members experience emotional independence as well as some sense of involvement and belonging." (31) Emotional independence? Sure. Well, except for the fact that my toddler won't play with other children if I try to leave the room and my teenager takes EVERYTHING I say as a personal affront. I guess that kind of makes them emotionally dependent. Let's see what's behind door number 3.
Cohesive: "Family members strive for emotional closeness, loyalty, and togetherness with emphasis on some individuality." (31) Can't you just tell this is the "healthy" choice? I want to choose this one, I really do...
Enmeshed: "Family members experience extreme closeness, loyalty, dependence and almost no individuality." (Olson, DeFrain, & Skogard, 2008)

I'm going to choose cohesive because I want to, but I have to admit we're bordering enmeshed.
1. My husband is training to be a pastor. This fact provides our family with an identity that is different from most of the people we will meet.
2. We homeschool. This fact separates us from major parts of society; I don't meet their classmates parents, or make friends at the high school football game. In some ways that separation is a blessing.
These things push us toward each other in times of emotional need, because it is the people in this family who understand what it's like to live in this family.

I lean back towards cohesive though because even with all that we share, everyone has their own interests. Mom is taking college classes, S. is writing a book, C. is studying music, T. is conducting science experiments and so on. They all support each other's interests without feeling a need to pursue someone else's passion.

To complete the quadrant, I had to next plot my family on a Flexibility line, again with four choices.
Rigid: "Family members experience very low levels of change, as well as authoritarian leadership and strict roles and rules." (32) Absolutely! This fits us quite accurately. Mom's rules are absolutes, and no one is confused about their role in this family. Yes, I've read all the studies about how authoritarian parenting is bad... blah, blah, blah. This is my choice and I'm sticking to it.... except that part about change. I'd be lying if I said that our family has experienced low levels of change.
Structured: "Family members experience more moderate levels of change as well as limited shared decision making and leadership and relatively stable roles and rules." (32) You know this is the "healthy" one, right? And, it's the one I would like to choose. We did let the kids decide how to spend the extra babysitting money we made last year, but moderate still doesn't describe the change that we've experienced.
Flexible: "Family members experience high levels of change, shared decision making, and shifting rules and roles." (32) High change, some shared decisions, Yes! That's us! I don't really know what shifting rules and roles means though.
Chaotic: "Family members experience very high levels of change as well as nonexistent leadership, confused and variable rules and roles." (Olson, DeFrain, & Skogard, 2008) Well, very high change, yes, but no to the rest of the definition.

This is much to difficult to plot, as I would say that we are like a ping pong ball being volleyed between rigidity and chaos. We've moved every summer for the past three years and we will continue to move every summer for two more years. Our youngest child will celebrate his sixth birthday before we can say that he has lived in any one place for more than a year at a time.
This pattern feeds itself into chaos, but the leadership in our family is rigid - the rules and roles are unchanging. In fact, we thrive on the stability that homeschooling provides because our school materials are the last thing to pack and the first to be unpacked. Even if the rest of our lives have been thrown around in the back of a moving truck and resides in piles of boxes; even if the world outside our door is frightening and unknown; when we sit down to begin our day, everything is just as it has always been.

I'd be done there, but I have to answer one more question; how does communication fit into all of this? We were open and honest about the life we were entering into. We prayed about the decision and discussed it with our children. I've continued to pray with them and for them as we go through this journey. They never had a choice in the matter, but we did expect them to trust God and to trust their parents to look out for their best interests and to take care of them. We've encouraged our children to recognize what is coming in their future, understand that there are some things they can not change and to make the best of whatever situation God calls them into.


UPDATE: 02/02/2012 Next step, answer this reflection question:
Look at your class mate's webpages and find a family who functions in a different quadrant from yours. Would this work for your family? Why or why not? (You are not judging your class mate's responses, rather you are looking at how they function, comparing it to how you function and then analyzing whether or not this would work for your family.)

I chose Tom's family. He describes a family that is connected and flexible. The children are older (college age and high school) than mine and they are more independent. This would not work for our family right now because the changes that we are going through are emotionally difficult for everyone and having a rock solid foundation here at home helps everyone get through it. In two years, we will be settled into a home that we can call permanent, Dad will have a job and a regular paycheck (as opposed to student loans), the oldest child will be in her senior year of high school and the younger children will be growing more independent. I can see our family heading for a time when we can be connected, but less dependent on each other... we're just not there yet.

Letting go? It feels more like being ripped apart.

As the parent of a teenager, I've been told I have to 'learn to let go'.
What does this mean and how does it actually happen? No one has an answer to that, just that you must learn to do it.

I tried suggesting to my 16 year old that she should take on the responsibility of a project. This was after much discussion... okay, it was really a heated argument... over how to go about putting this project together.

We had 'creative differences' so to speak.

In fact, she said my ideas were 'stupid'.

So, after taking some time away from it, I returned and suggested that I would try to stay out of the way and let her develop the details of the performance in her own way.

Then, she said, "But, you have to be there." I thought she was being snarky and implying that I wouldn't really let her have control and would insist on being involved in the process.

So, I asked, "What do you mean?"

She said, "You know I wouldn't have even looked at it if you hadn't made me."

She's right. Brutally honest about herself. And, right.

If I had not scheduled time to rehearse, there would have been no rehearsal to argue about.

So, how as a parent do I let her go out on her own, knowing that she faces a huge opportunity to do something great or to fall on her face?

I know in my gut that if left without any guidance at all, she will forget all about it and I'll have a fit at the last minute when she hasn't worked on it at all and then she'll throw something together and it will be okay, but not great.

I know in my heart that she is capable of greatness if only she would put forth the energy required to see it through. I also know that I still have enough power to "make" her do it.

So, how do I balance this knowledge?

If I help her, she will not grow as much as she could, and I will feel guilty that I didn't give her enough space to learn from the experience. If I let it go, I will feel guilty that I did not push her to her full potential and possibly, she might even fail, and somehow I know I would feel that I am at fault.

Letting go? It feels more like being ripped apart.

Reflecting the Family Definition

I had to choose a definition for the word "family." I chose this

"...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4)  
For a more in depth discussion, see Defining Family

Here, I need to reflect on the definitions chosen by my classmates. I've noticed an underlying theme in the definitions offered:

"Family are those that we can go to in our time of need, when we need a friend, when we need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. "


"A close group of people who are loyal to each other, and will be there for each other emotionally and physically regardless of the circumstance. "


"anybody you can completely rely on and anybody that will go to bat for you when it's needed. I also believe it's some one who has nothing but good intentions for you and will offer that advice.You should be able to be to tell family anything thats on your mind including good and bad and know that you won't get judged as well."
Seth


Here is the question(s) that I've been assigned to answer. 
Look at a definition of family that one of your classmates has written. What is your response to it? How is it similar or different from your own definition? What is your reaction and why?

I have to choose one, so I chose Seth's mostly because it was the most in depth definition given along this same theme.

I think it's nice that they have grown up in families that are "there" for each other and who only have "good intentions" and don't "judge".

But, is that what makes a family?

What about the addict in the family? He's never there for any of us, his intentions are only to get the next fix and we DO judge him. Is he not family?

What about the absent father? He's not there for his kids, we don't know his intentions because he's never around and we DO judge him. Is he not family?

I clean my house before my family visits and YES, I do it because I believe they will judge me. They are still my family.

I still argue that we become family through our offspring. Until I had children of my own, my family was made up of the people who were part of my upbringing and I was the offspring. Both my mother's relations and my father's relations came together and were connected in no other way except that they shared a grandchild. This made them family.

Families are not always there for each other - even if we might like to be.

Families do not always listen - ask any teenager if their parents always listened - most will say no.

Families are not made up of people who don't judge each other - we know the intimate details of each other's lives and we tell each other ALL the time how we think they should have had more/less children; should have gotten married sooner/later; should have gone to/quit college; should have, should have, should have...

Even those friends, the ones we call "family" because we love them so much that we wish they were our family... even they are judging us and they are not always there for us... We compare our children's development, our clothing choices, our grocery budgets, our husband's careers, our own career choices... We compare everything!

I think these definitions are sweet, but naive. They are the in a perfect world, family would be like this definitions. I simply think they are inaccurate.

Systems Theory & My Family

THIRD POST: CHOOSE A THEORY FROM CHAPTER 3 TO USE IN ANALYZING MY FAMILY

Text: Family Communication Cohesion and Change by Galvin, Bylund, Brommel; 8th edition, quotes and page references are from this text.

The Systems Perspective: “When individuals form families, they also create family systems through their interaction patterns.” (57) Basically, this theory claims that the events in each person’s life affect all the others in the system.

Example: My aunt died last week. For me to drive home and attend the funeral on Friday, my husband had to take the day off, my daughters flew with their grandmother to be with their cousin who had just lost his mother, my sons had to miss homeschool co-op… just physical effects. There is also the ripple effect; my family’s loss was added to the prayer list at church which in turn affected the emotions of those closest to me. My oldest son was supposed to give a presentation last Friday, but missed it. He will have to try and get an extension from his teacher so he can still present his project. The drive home used up a large chunk of our fuel budget for the month, so we will have to rearrange the rest of our months scheduled activities or we will have to rearrange our budget.

One event effects the entire system.

Some specifics in the Systems Theory for Family Communication include

·         Interdependence “…parts are so interrelated as to be dependent on each other for their functioning.” (59)

·         Wholeness as in we are seen as a unit; made up of individual parts, but a whole unit. This is one of the reasons I chose this theory – my family is incomplete if one person is missing – the whole dynamic of our family interactions changes drastically if just one person is gone. Additionally, the theory suggests that those outside the family see it as a whole unit such that if one person has a strong characteristic it may represent the whole family. This is particularly true for the family of a Vicar/Pastor – we are the Vicar’s family, the Vicar’s wife, the Vicar’s kids. I don’t mind being introduced as “Corinne, our Vicar’s wife,” but it does exemplify the point made in this theory; while I am certainly viewed as an individual, much of my identity is tied to my husband’s work.

·         Patterns/Self-Regulation “Human beings learn to coordinate their actions, creating patterns together that could not be created individually.” (61) This theory suggests that we work towards maintaining the stability of predictable patterns of behavior, a process called calibration. A family works like a machine, according to this theory, such that if an individual behaves outside of the predictable pattern, the others provide feedback to push the individual back towards the pattern. At the same time, one individual can change their behavior intentionally to try to manipulate the others into changing the overall pattern.

·         Interactive Complexity/Punctuation “When you function as a member of an ongoing relational system, each of your actions serves as both a response to a previous action and a stimulus for a future action.” (63) Basically, the theory says that our family unit is so intertwined that it is futile to try and establish any kind of cause/effect relationships because our every action is both a cause and an effect.

·         Openness “Human systems include individuals, families, communities and societies that form nested layers.” (63) Using the example of my aunts funeral, the event caused a ripple effect into both our congregation, our church family who care for us and our homeschool co-op where our son missed his presentation deadline and I had to find a substitute for the class that I was supposed to teach.

·         Complex Relationships “In almost all cultures authority, respect, and power go to the older generation, and often to the males of that generation. Appropriate boundaries separate generations; when generational boundaries are blurred, confusion results…” (65) This is most certainly true in our family. Dad is in charge, then Mom, and sometimes an older sibling is given charge over a little for a short time of ‘babysitting’ wherein that older sibling is a surrogate authority.


From previous posts: My definition of family is "...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4) For more info, read Defining Family and my chosen family to analyze is described in the post titled My Family

My Family

So, I have to choose a family to analyze.
Well, my regular readers already know who I will choose.
I'm too busy with my own life to pay attention to the intimate details going on in someone else's home, SO without further ado: I choose ME!

Mom + Dad = half a dozen blessings.
Married for 17 years, two teenage girls, two preteen boys, and two toddlers.
Dad is a Vicar, Mom is a writer.
Mom hangs out all day in her favorite chair, bossing the kids around, making them LEARN stuff.
Dad works ALL the time, but mostly he's just down the hall so we can go bug him whenever we want.

That's US!


My family definition was "...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4) For a more elaborate discussion, see my post on Defining Family

Potty... what?

I'm not an unschooler, not really. The rigors of academics were ingrained in my psyche and I push my kids when it comes to completing the basics successfully. But, there are some things that I just leave alone. Maybe it's because I'm lazy...

Here's an example of unschooling theory in practice. My five year old lasts about 15 minutes in a sit down and learn situation. But, he'll spend an hour making a map with detailed instructions so that he can direct me (or a sibling) to the secret location of the treasure.
When he says, "Mommy, write 'go this way' for me."
I don't.
Maybe it's because I'm lazy...
Instead, I hand him a chart with all the letters on it and I tell him to write it himself. He writes from right to left, which is kinda cute and I think maybe he'll be a Hebrew scholar someday. His letters don't always look quite like the ones on the chart, but I don't care. He'll erase them and do it again until he says "This looks great!" and then he tapes it to the wall for the other 'spies' to find.
He's learning to read, write and spell, but I'm not teaching him... I'm just letting him.
That's unschooling in practice.

Sometimes, I'm more of a Tiger Mother. I force my children to join stuff, and practice their skills, drill their math facts and I expect them to get high marks on their academics. We have quizzes and tests and I can be a nag.

But, there are some things that I just leave alone. Maybe, it's because I'm lazy...
Like, potty training.
I've never potty trained any of my children. Five out of six can use the potty consistently without messing their pants or wetting the bed. The sixth just turned three and I'm sure he'll catch on eventually.

Yes, you read that correctly.
He just turned 3.
He's still in diapers.
And, I don't care.
Maybe, it's because I'm lazy...

We own a potty chair.
It's even in the bathroom
well, actually right now it's in the living room. It doubles as a stool.

He sits on it sometimes.
He reads (well, looks at) magazines there.
He has even sat on it naked and had pee and poop land in it.
Mostly to his surprise though, not with any intent.

When I let him run naked, he just goes on the floor. I'm lazy - I don't want to follow him around cleaning that up.
Usually, there comes a point where I instinctively begin to think that the butt I'm cleaning is too big for me to be wiping. Then, I start making them clean up their own messes; throw away their own diapers, wipe themselves off, even head for the tub and wash up when necessary.
I don't want to clean up diapers forever.

I tried to potty train a kid once. She's 16 now, but I still remember what a nightmare that was.
Never again.

They all figure out the potty thing, and our little three year old is figuring it out too.
But, I'm not teaching him.

Defining Family

We hear people talk about "family values", especially as the election year gets into full gear. We see advertisements from organizations like "Focus on the Family", and we hear extreme conservatives warn that the liberals are destroying the "family".
But, how do you define family?

From an academic perspective, we can start with one proposed by Fitzpatrick and Badzinski, "...small, kinship structured group whose primary function is the nurturing socialization of newborn children." (p.4) I personally like this definition. I was alone as an adult until I met my husband and together through marriage we became one union and when our union brought forth child, we were family. This family includes aunts, uncles, grandparents and any other relatives who take part in the lives of my children. I'm satisfied with this definition, but it is incomplete.

Winston Dictionary for Schools, 1967 offers seven possibilities:
1) a group of closely related people, as parents and their children
2) the children alone of such a group
3) a household; a group of persons under one roof
4) a body of persons descended from a common ancestor; tribe; clan
5) distinguished lineage; as they are people of good family
6) a group of things with some common characteristics as a mineral family
7) in biology, a classification of plants or animals larger than a genus, but smaller than an order; as the cat family

All of these are accurate, but still incomplete.

In our own language, we put restrictions on the term, as in when we speak of someone near and dear, but not related by blood or marriage and we say, "He is like family"
At the same time, we broaden the scope of the term when we use it to describe groups such as our "church family".

The text authors broaden the term even further and state, "As we talk about families, we will take a broad, inclusive view. Therefore, if the members consider themselves to be a family, and function as a family, we accept their self-definition." (Family Communication, p.8)

So, basically, from an academic perspective, there is no such thing as a definition of the word 'family'. It is a subjective term.

RELATED POSTS:
For info on the family that I chose to analyze for this class, see My Family
For my Communication Theory and event analysis, see Systems Theory & My Family