Why Kids Lie book review

Every once in awhile I actually get to finish a book I'm reading. I love to discuss the books I read, and am pleased to share my thoughts with you. I just finished reading "Why Kids Lie... How Parents Can Encourage Truthfulness" by Paul Ekman, Ph.D., 1989.

There is also a 1991 edition, but I'm not sure how they compare.

I found the subtitle misleading. The emphasis of this text was on the scientific data concerning the whys of lies, particularly in children. From the first chapter on how people define a lie; for example is "I enjoyed that meal." a lie if the food was really awful? Should you lie in this case to save the feelings of the cook? How about if the cook is Gramma?

Is something a lie simply because it isn't the truth?

What about concealment? Is that lying? If you don't tattle on your friends, is that they same as lying to their parents? Is it lying if you see someone cheating and you say nothing?

Is something a lie simply because it isn't the whole truth?

If we say that anything that isn't true, or completely true, is a lie; then, do we have a hierarchy of lies that we all agree on? Is complimenting Gramma's bad cooking the same as stealing money from Gramma's purse and saying you didn't?
Do we define the lie by the truth it conceals? Does intent determine whether or not we consider a statement to be a lie? Do we consider motivation in our judgement of a lie? Are some lies more socially accepted than others? Are some lies even socially desirable?

Dr. Ekman explores the statistical analyses of children's answers to these types of questions. The first few chapters contain some interesting case studies where children's ability and willingness to lie is tested in comparison to the actual "hidden camera" behaviors of the children when tempted to lie and given opportunity.

Ekman's wife chimes in at the end with a couple of chapters from her experience as a divorce lawyer; evaluating the effects of children's lies on our judicial system and vice versa.

The only real advice for dealing with children who lie comes around the middle of the book. They recommend telling children how lies hurt others rather than simply focusing on the evil of lying. They also suggest that parents try to get to the root of the reason for the lie - such as fear of punishment. Punishment for the misdeed being covered up, such as stealing, should be separate from the punishment for the lie. Understand that all children lie for various reasons - that are explained in depth in this book - however, if the lying becomes compulsive and uncontrollable, you should seek professional help.

If you are looking for specific parenting techniques to deal with lying, you won't find them here. If you are looking for some fascinating and ground breaking science on the psychology of lying in children, this book is filled with facts and data in an area where limited research has been done.

While this book was published in 1989, Ekman's work continues to be at the leading edge of research in deception and the television show Lie To Me was based on his work.