One Constant to Stop All Things From Spinning Out of Control

...as it was in the beginning, is now, and always will be

How many things can you say that about? I can only think of one.
Life is always changing. Little things we barely notice, like boys becoming men, until we can't find a single shirt that doesn't reveal his belly button.
Some changes happen much faster, much more sudden, so fast in fact that we remain in shock and disbelief for a time while it all sinks in.

Change is ongoing. Nothing in my life is as it was in the beginning... nothing but one thing.

We've been watching some caterpillars at our house lately.

They started out very tiny when they first arrived, and we watched them grow. We generally agreed that they were sort of ugly.

During this same time, our home in Michigan was growing uglier and uglier as the tenants became more and more malicious.

Then, things began to change in our little caterpillar jar. The caterpillars made chrysalides (also sort of ugly). 

Our home in Michigan began to take on a transformation also. As we waited for the court system to give us legal possession of the home and force the tenants out, we began the process of siding the house with vinyl. Over the top of nasty old pressboard that was no longer salvageable with any amount of paint, it was like a caterpillar turn butterfly.

Every day, we watched the caterpillars turn chrysalides and wondered at the transformation happening within. At the same time, we received pictures of the house that was once our home as it went from something ugly to something more beautiful.

Wouldn't it be nice if everything in life worked out that way? But, this is where the parallel ends. In fact, soon after receiving this photo:

and this, everything would change again.

Isn't it beautiful?
As the progress went along on the house, I forgot about our science project. The caterpillars just did their thing, they didn't need us. We moved them to a butterfly enclosure and left them alone, well except for the occasional photo.

They too, were becoming gradually less ugly, without any help from us. The house, on the other hand, needed human assistance and so that is where my mind was.
Things moved quickly.
The tenants were summarily evicted by the judge and we patiently waited the ten days for them to actually be removed from the property, but exterior improvements continued. When the tenants were out, we were ready! In just two days, six dumpsters worth of food, clothing, garbage and other household items were removed from the house; apparently we had rented to hoarders.

The clean up was going well, the transformation coming along nicely. Unlike the chrysalides, whose process could only be seen from the outside, this transformation was being visually photographed at every stage. I imagined the before and after album that I would someday create when this project was done.

But, change is not always as we plan it.

After days of happy progress reports coming in and talk of colors and design plans... the next photo I received would look like this:

It happens in an instant. I know everyone says that about fire, but you really don't know until suddenly the entire thing is gone.

A guy doing the siding, said "... before I knew that it was on fire, it was underneath my feet."

A part of me is weighted down with guilt, as I know everyone who was there is also; I feel guilty for not being there working along side of them. As though somehow my mind believes that I could have or would have changed the outcome of the events of that day. But, my heart knows that it is not so. Yet the burden of guilt is not swayed.

I know from experience that many times in life we experience tragedy and loss, the more years we live, the more we know this. I also know that some times things seem hopeless and unchangeable. But, things that stay the same? There is only one. He is as He was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. All else is fluid, like vapor in the wind.

I know that as time passes, those losses become memories and we continue to live. We are not lost with them. God pushes us through to the other side (you can say carries, but I always feel like I'm being pushed through these things).

But, my mind will not be quiet, it will not settle and I stay up at night, playing and replaying every possible scenario; every possible could have, should have, and nothing changes. But, everything has changed.

The caterpillar forgotten, I was surprised to find this today:

The late blooming caterpillar who seemed to never start his chrysalis, and we gave up on, made his chrysalis anyway, not on the tissue where we'd planned it, but on the inside of an overturned cup. 

The chrysalis that fell when we moved it, and we thought would die in the bottom of the enclosure - he was the first to emerge and show us his beautiful colors. 

I am reminded that I do not know what the future holds, no matter how well laid my plans.

Things change, under God's watchful eye, whether I put it out of my mind or watch it carefully. I am not in control.

Even when we ourselves are paralyzed by indecision, stress and fear; even when we seem stuck in a place of darkness and despair - God is ever watchful. He who makes sure that the creatures I neglected survive and flourish, is even more watchful over me.

But, as with all that is in this earthly world, none of it will remain. The butterfly will lay its eggs and die, in just a few weeks. That is all the life that it will have. So much work for so little. Like the men who watched the siding they had just installed melt before their very eyes, so much work... and like all else, it is nothing.

Even when, and especially when all is changing, fleeting, dying, melting away... One is as He was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be. Only One. And that is where my comfort lies.

Homeschooling the child with Asperger Syndrome, a book review

Homeschooling the Child with Asperger Syndrome by Lisa Pyles is one of the best introductory books on homeschooling I’ve found. Her approach is unique in that she discusses the broad topic of homeschooling with specific suggestions for overcoming the learning challenges that a child with Asperger’s might face.

As an experienced homeschooling parent, I can attest that most of her advice is relevant to all homeschooling families. For example, after a brief discussion of Asperger’s, she challenges the obstacles that many parents voice as reasons not to homeschool in the first place. These perceived obstacles seem to be common among many families who are pondering this decision.

First is the issue of time. She says one mom followed “…her two (non-AS affected) middle school aged children around their classes.” This mom reported that each child received less than two hours of actual instruction time.

“The rest of the day was eaten up by passing between classes, getting settled, collecting homework or lunch orders, handing out papers, taking attendance, making announcements, waiting for quiet, dealing with rowdy kids, and getting ready to go to the next class.” (p23)

Pyles also challenges myths such as

*It’s too expensive,

*I’m not a teacher,

*I don’t know what to teach,

*I can’t handle him, he won’t learn from me,

*my child doesn’t want to, and

*my family won’t support me.

Behavioral issues in and out of the classroom are not unique to children with Asperger Syndrome, children who are naturally introverted often have meltdowns when they arrive home after spending hours interacting with others, energetic boys often have trouble sitting still for long periods of time, immature children have short attention spans, and some kids just struggle to control their emotions when bombarded with stimulation and demands all day long. 

You may not have the skills to teach a group of 25 kids you’ve just met, but God has given you the skills to teach the one child whose gifts, skills and learning style you’ve been studying since the day he was born. Parents are always teaching, from walking and talking to eating independently, personal hygiene, cooking meals, mowing the lawn, following directions and more – and we rarely stop to consider whether or not we are qualified to teach these things.

“Our job as teacher is to teach academic subjects. The other job, as a parent, is to help our children cope in the world.” (p38)

“What if we change things so that… [the child] is allowed to feel safe and comfortable and calm, and is allowed to learn at his own rate and in a way that suits him?” Might this change in his environment also change the way he responds to it? Perhaps for the better? (p29)

Throughout the text, Lisa Pyles breaks down topics by academic subject and age range, offering websites, book lists and tips from experienced parents.

The author of Homeschooling the child with Asperger’s Syndrome is not a lifelong homeschooler. She pulled her child so that she could meet his needs. This gives her the perspective of having tried the public school system, taken an adventure in homeschooling and later re-enrolling him into a private school.

I often meet young moms who say, “Oh, I’ve been thinking about homeschooling, but how do I get started?” and it’s been so long since we started that I have a hard time remembering what it was like. I would recommend Pyles book to those moms.

At first, I was curious about the topic, but convinced she would have little to offer me… I mean, I’ve been doing this a long time, and I don't have a child with Asperger Syndrome. But, even I found some good tips. My favorite is the Learning Jar – this is a jar filled with educational activities for children to do when they need a break, or when you need to help another child. The child can pull a slip of paper from the jar and find a special task to do, such as counting the stairs for little ones, measuring the area of a room or alphabetizing the books on a shelf. The tasks can be specific to the child, such as march the stairs for gross motor skills, count the paper clips in this cup for fine motor skills, stand on one foot for fifteen seconds for children who need help with balance, etc.

Overall, Homeschooling the child with Asperger’s Syndrome is an excellent overview of homeschooling and a good read for anyone just getting started with it, and it may have some great nuggets for us old pros too.

Masterminds & Wingmen, a book review

I'm not sure why I chose such a long book for such a short month. I guess I just got into reading it and it became my February book - but 360 pages in 28 days is a significant chunk when your not just reading, but also trying to digest and process the information in a way that is applicable to your life and situation, as well as figure out what you really want to say about the information you've received.

So, first, I'll say this... if you plan to borrow this book from your library, plan to renew it at least once.

Masterminds & Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World by Rosalind Wiseman is a hunk of a title, but the book does deliver what it promises in the title.

By page 7 though, she's making some bold promises like

"This book...will show you [parents] how to make your values meaningful within the problem your son is facing." 

For the Christian parent, whose values are based on the One ultimate authority over morality, Wiseman falls short in this claim. Her suggestions are highly based on feminist ideals with an emphasis on maintaining a politically correct neutrality.

She quotes some statistics that I would opine are primarily caused by the feminist movement; for instance seventy percent of valedictorians are girls. (p18) One of her interview subjects says his friends don't sign up for AP classes because they don't want to be in competition with girls, and while she acknowledges that most boys feel this way based on her own research, she later instructs parents to make their sons accept and prepare for the fact that girls will be on opposing sports teams and they will have to learn to treat these girls as equal competitors. She makes no attempt to address the fact that God designed men to want to protect women and thus her advice goes against the very nature of the boys she is trying to help.

I do agree with her on some things. As a culture, we've determined that certain behaviors are more feminine than others. A boy with a higher voice, gentler touch, sensitive personality or a girlish demeanor are considered to have more feminine qualities. Instead of accepting these features as part of the man that this boy will become, our culture has labeled them as "gay" traits, and forces him into a stereotype that has nothing to do with who he is sexually attracted to. These biases in our culture cause young boys to take on characteristics of a stereotype and carry these learned behaviors into adulthood where they find they only fit in with a certain crowd. Even if he thinks he has been wrongly pegged, it can feel impossible to get out of this hole.

But, Wiseman takes it a step further. She claims that we've spent so much time telling girls that they are okay, not matter how they look or dress, and now there's a push to tell boys that same message, so that children are pushing the boundaries and some are choosing to throw out any appearances that might give them a gender identity at all. They are trying to be PAT. (Saturday Night Live)

Wiseman applauds this breaking of barriers and movement towards androgynous behavior saying,

"One of the bravest students I've ever known... would occasionally where a shiny black unitard to class." (p60)

Later, she encourages teaching some of what we might call gentlemanly habits in the name of politeness; things like shaking hands and holding doors for others. I can't help but be reminded of the strong, breaking-free from lady-like stereotypes woman in her fifties who nastily told my 6yo son, 

"I don't need no man to hold the door for me."

She is the image of feminism that pops into my mind when I read Masterminds and Wingmen, and I always feel a little sad for my son as he faces women like her while he tries to become the kind of man who will always want to hold the door or carry the books or in some way help the ladies he sees.

But, Wiseman does later remind me that the world is not full of ladies, and the womyn of this world won't always appreciate his efforts. It's my job to teach him to act like a gentleman anyway. But, Wiseman discourages boys from being too nice. She claims that teaching your son

"... to treat a girl like a delicate flower [] just encourages her to be incompetent, spoiled, and superficial." (p351)

I think this attitude damages the kinds of relationships that God intends in marriage, but Wiseman never mentions God or marriage. She's talking about how your son treats the girls he wants to "hook up" with and "bang".

This might be a real insight into the language and behaviors of boys, but I don't agree with encouraging our sons to be part of it. Wiseman assumes that high schoolers are going to be involved in sexual relationships and says you, the parent, don't really

"...want to know exactly what he did on your couch the other night." (p347)

Well, yes, actually, I do want to know what my sons are doing... on my couch, or anyone else's couch for that matter.

But, that puts me into one of Wiseman's bad parenting profiles.

By Chapter Five I'm convinced that Wiseman's research subjects, or editors as she refers to them, are all from a traditional school setting which certainly has an effect on their life experience and their worldview. Through them she offers some useful insights into Boy-World communication. As a homeschooling parent, my sons don't have to deal with the extensive social structure of school day in and day out, so I don't see the same dynamics. But, there are four of them here and I don't always understand how they communicate, so overall, I think this was the most useful chapter from my perspective.

I chafed a bit at Chapter 8 of Masterminds and Wingmen when she tries to profile parents. I find myself a little bit in all of the bad parenting styles she mentions. After feeling intensely judged, I decided I didn't really care for her writing technique of giving parents specific quotes that they should say to their child when a specific problem occurs. They seem too much like easy fixes, but I imagine there are some parents so troubled by their circumstances that they would appreciate having an expert tell them exactly what to say.

I'm not saying that Wiseman's ideas or suggestions lack merit. In fact, some of her opinions make good sense and if you parent boys who must tackle the challenges of a public school social setting, this book may be the best insight you can get into that world.

If you are a Christian parent, you may find that Masterminds and Wingmen has a lot of situations that frighten you and a lot of advice that you just can't agree with.

My favorite quote from Masterminds and Wingmen is this:

"Learning by immersing yourself in something you love is a creative problem-solving experience. This is education at its best." (p176) 

It is a wonderful quote. But, I also find it ironic considering that homeschooling is really the only environment where that is possible, and she encourages parents to give their sons opportunities for this while trying to teach them to survive a world of institutionalized schooling where these opportunities rarely, if ever, exist.

The chapter that most effected my thinking was chapter 10 of Wiseman's book, where I find myself conceding to her argument that parents should learn how to play the video games that their sons play. I don't want to do it, but her logic convinced me.

It's not a funny book, nor a funny subject but I did laugh out loud when I read this quote:

"...video games cause violence - by making mothers want to kill their children." (p180)

Reading this book had an effect on me that I suspect the author didn't intend.  Every time she made a comment like: 

"In first grade, most elementary schools let us drop off our kids early so they can play on the playground... this is also when kids really learn what school is about." (p294)

I was shocked and scared. But, I realize that what she says here is true and was my public school experience also. The effect? I just keep adding to my list of reasons to homeschool.

Some of the things she says ring true, some rub me as overtly politically correct, and a few times I felt a nagging idea that she was too obviously a woman writing about how it feels to be a boy. Maybe she's trying too hard to not offend anyone, and as a writer trying to sell a product, I get that.