Why don't you just ask for help?

Why don't you just ask for help?

Sometimes, I get a little crazy. Some people call it Depression, some call it panic attacks, some call it anxiety.

I think DROWNING. I feel like I'm drowning.
Can't. Get. Enough. Air. To. Breathe.

Sometimes, it makes me say mean things. Sometimes, it makes me cry irrationally. Sometimes, it makes feel like I'm dying.

I used to think I was the only one going through my emotions, that they were brought about by the circumstances of my life. Abandonment. Neglect. Loneliness.

When I was in high school, I used to do all sorts of crazy things to try to get attention. Attention from my mom, my teachers, my classmates. Boys. Mostly, I tried to get attention from boys.

Then, when I got to college, I thought there must be something wrong with ME. It was not my circumstances. I met other people who had gone through way worse things than I had. They survived. They didn't panic or cry or freak out. They just went on. Why did I have so much trouble going on?

I thought I must need drugs, therapy, some remedy for this ailment of mine.

But, that didn't seem to help either.

As the past twenty years have gone by, I still get crazy sometimes. Some times I get crazy more often than not. But, I've come to realize that so does everyone else.

Everyone I've ever met, who I've really gotten to know, has admitted in some way at some time, that yes, they too have moments of crazy. Moments when you can't figure out how to move past the emotional block in your mind. When you just can't imagine how life can go forward from this moment and ever be good again. Sometimes, you can't imagine good at all. You can't even remember that it ever was.

EVERYONE.

Now, if you have a friend who has admitted this to you. I believe you have. You probably tried to give them some advice. I always do.

Try Vitamin X.
Try this therapist.
Try Medication Z.
Try Yoga.
Try. Try. Try.

Let me tell you how much I've tried. I've found that the more I try to FIX this thing, this craziness, this whatever it is, the more I find I can't FIX anything. I only end up making things worse, feeling like more of a failure and then spiralling downward into the insanity abyss.

Why don't you just ask for help? Well meaning as it is, and I say it too. Usually, we say something like, "Just call me." "I'll help you." "Let me know what I can do to help you."

I know you mean well. I always mean well when I say it too. It is a most sincere offer. Mine usually goes something like this.

"The coffee is always on at my house. Please, come interrupt my day." (Many thanks to the wonderful friend who first said this to me and meant it.)

But, it doesn't fix the hurt. I don't know why some things in life hurt SO much. But, I do know who carries that hurt for me.

Why don't I just ask for help? It isn't because I don't believe you, or that I don't trust you. It's simply that I know there really isn't anything that you can do. In those moments of crazy, I don't believe that anything can be done.

If I thought there was something that could be done to help the situation, then I would have already done it. See? It has nothing to do with the kind of friend I think you are, or whether or not I believe you are sincere. In that moment, I don't believe that anything can FIX it. It is a moment without HOPE. It is scary and I don't see any way out.

The only thing that pulls me out of the abyss is Jesus Christ. I find myself often laying helpless at the foot of the cross and begging for God to please, please, please just end this pain.

I wish I could say that He always does. But, He doesn't. He just carries me through it to the other side. He helps me remember the good. He helps me see that there is good on the other side, and He reminds me of the people and things that I love. Then, I wipe the tears off my face and I do the next thing.

That's it. Just do the next thing.

"It's okay to feel sad sometimes. Little by little, you'll feel better again." - Daniel Tiger

NOTE: Just to be clear, I'm not making light of real diseases, like Clinical Depression here. I'm just talking about the reality of living in a sinful world where we all pretend we are as happy as our internet memes portray us to be.